


Charlie is gone

by littlemissstark315



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Ben Is a Good Bro, Depiction of porn, Drug Use, F/M, M/M, Mental Illness, Pornography, Rape, Self Harm, Sexual Abuse, Toxic Relationships, rape recovery and aftermath, struggles with depression, this gets pretty angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-06-09 16:08:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 24,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15271218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemissstark315/pseuds/littlemissstark315
Summary: Charlie was 17 when a porn producer offered him the opportunity of a lifetime. Now a twenty-something struggling with depression but an in-demand porn star, Charlie struggles to find a genuine and meaningful relationship, all his ex’s using him for sex because apparently being a porn Star means you want sex all the time. That couldn’t be further from the truth.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I literally have no better title, if anyone has other ideas for titles, comment below.

 

“Ah! Fuck! Harder daddy!” He cried out, feeling a big, thick cock filling him up, thrusting in at a bruising pace.

 

“Cut! Cut!” The director called out from his chair, watching the pair stop their intimacy.

 

The two men stopped, the dominant one pulled out, frowning. “Something wrong?” He asked, a few brown curls in his eyes.The director sighed, walking over. “Just...I’m not feeling it. Charlie, the moans are coming off as fake to me.” Charlie sat up from his position on the bed with a frown, blonde hair a mess. “Sorry.” “No worries, just..try going with it, moan and say what you feel. Don’t act out the sex.”Charlie gave a weak smile. “Kinda hard to do when sex is your job.” “True, just do what you can. I’ll give you two a break, get some food, talk a bit.” The Director signaled the rest of the crew to take a break and reset the scene.

 

The standing man helped his coworker from the kneeling position on the bed. Charlie sighed. “Thanks man. My knees are fucking stiff.” “Probably why your moaning was coming off as fake. A break will do you some good.”“Let’s go get some coffee.” The other man smiled,getting two robes for themselves while they took a break, putting the white fluffy material on and walking together to the buffet table.

 

Charlie had grabbed his favorite mug, a small white one with a buffering symbol on it saying “loading.” He filled it to the brim, putting two sugars in before downing it. His coworker was holding a plate of doughnuts and fruit and chuckled. “Did you even taste the coffee?” “Not when you burn your tongue.” His blue eyes saw the snack plate his coworker brought over. “Snacks?” “Duh you loser. I found some Advil for us too.” He said as he showed him the bottle, shaking it a few times.

 

Charlie smiled. “Thanks man.”His coworker, Ben in real life, his porn name for this particular shoot is “John” as he was playing a rich sugar daddy to a sweet, innocent boy who’s a virgin, Charlie’s role.

 

Ben was tall, towering over Charlie at 6’3, he was a little older but fit and willing do whatever for whatever shoot they had. He had brown hair but he had a few gray streaks going through, making him look more handsome than there was any right to. Charlie knew that was why he had the role. Charlie had his role because he was a small 5’8, blonde hair, blue eyes and often people think he’s much younger than he is.

 

He took two Advil gratefully, downing them with his remaining coffee as Ben handed him a chocolate doughnut. Ben gave a concerned look, a gentle smile gracing his features. “You doing ok?” Charlie nodded. “Yeah. The meds have been working pretty well. I see my therapist every two weeks.” “That’s good. You know you can always come to talk to me right?” Charlie smiled. “I know man. Thanks. “

 

After an hour of talking and making sure they’re limber and relaxed, they got set up for the scene again, the fluffers getting them hard again with special lubes, the two getting back into position again on the bed. Charlie on all fours, his perk ass in the air and Ben behind him.

The director got in his seat, signaling. “And....action!”

 

He didn’t get out of work until near 10pm, having started filming around 5am. He was on his fifth cup of coffee to get home home, he hurt and ached all over but was satisfied that the film was done. He knows it won’t be the last sugar daddy film, he looks forward to working with Ben again. Ben, even though was at least 15 years his senior, he was a great friend and always was there to hang out or just have someone to talk to.

 

He parked in the parking garage of his apartment complex. He knew he made more than enough to have his own home, hell he could have a mansion but he was an in demand porn star and often was moved around. It was easier to end a lease than to move from place to place.

 

His place was nice. Lots ofwalking room between the kitchen and living room, a rather luxurious dining room and a “bottomless” pool.

 

He made his way into the elevator and up to his floor. He yawned, leaning against the elevator wall, waiting until he got to the sixth floor with a ding.

 

He got out, finding his door quickly. As he closed the door he got his phone out, texting his boyfriend.

 

“Hey, I’m home.”

 

He put his bag down and started a bath for himself in his large, porcelain garden tub. He put in some lavender epsom saltinto the bath, letting the scent relax him, already feeling his muscles soften. He heard his phone go off from the counter. He stood up, getting it, seeing it was his boyfriend, Jason.

 

“Can I come see you? I’ve missed you, I feel like I havnt seen you in forever.”

Charlie chuckled weakly, texting back.

“Sure but I’m getting into the bath now, see yourself in.”

“Can I join? ;)”

Charlie rolled his eyes, texting back.

“Just get over here.”

 

Once the bath was filled he undressed and got in carefully, the muscles in his thighs feeling ready to cramp up from being on his knees all day.

 

He let out a breath as he let the warmth wash over him and the scent of lavender surround him. He nearly fell asleep when Jason made himself known.

“Babe?” Charlie heard him call out.

 

Charlie woke from his half daze. “In here.” He said as he sat up in his bath. His boyfriend made his way into the bathroom, chuckling. “Still in the bath? It’s been nearly a half hour since we talked.” Charlie smirked as he got out, unplugging the tub. “I was relaxing. It’s been...” he sighed, letting his exhaustion show. “A very long day. Literally everything hurts.” He stepped out of the bath, wrapping a towel around himself. He felt Jason bring his arms around his waist, talking into the nape of his neck. “Too tired for me?”

 

Charlie frowned. It always seemed like this between them. “Yes. I’ve been working since five in the morning. My legs are killing me, my ass is sore.” Jason kissed his neck. “I’ll be gentle. I just miss you.” Charlie sighed, turning away from him, going to his bedroom to get his sleeping clothes. “Jason, please, I’ve been having sex for literally the entire day. Even my penis hurts.” Jason just continued to wrap his arms around his waist, kissing his neck. “I’ll treat it like the precious treasure it is.” 

 

Charlie really didn’t feel like fighting or arguing. He had another long day of shooting tomorrow and the faster this was over the better. “Be fucking gentle alright?” Jason grinned like a kid that got to buy the entire candy store. “Yes sir.” He crashed his lips to his and backed Charlie into the bed.

 

Charlie didn’t sleep well that night, his mind keeping him awake with thoughts. Was he a slut for letting Jason use him? He knows in all technicality he was a whore. He sold his body for money on a daily basis.

 

It made finding a genuine, meaningful relationship difficult. This is his third relationship in nearly two years and each one was the same: they all used him for sex, thinking he was some sex demon that wanted it all the time of every day which is so far from the truth.

 

He may sell his body for money but he wants someone to love him for him, not because of his sexual knowledge and status and it seemed he would never get that.

 

He was giving Jason the benefit of the doubt, he always seemed genuine when they talked and when he says how much he missed him but every time they’re together Jason pressures him into sex or attempts to.

 

They’ve had more than one fight about it but Charlie is so tired of being alone. He thinks maybe if He settles, things will get better.

 

He was staring out his balcony above Los Angles and it was beautiful. 3AM was quiet in the city. As the thoughts intruded his head he took in a shuddering breath, wiping his tears away. He was being stupid, he thinks. People want sex in relationships, there’s no way around that.

 

The next morning Jason left, kissing him goodbye while Charlie got ready for another long day but he also had his monthly doctors appointment for STD checks which he hated. They always made him feel so sleazy even though the doctors there are really nice and understand his job and don’t condescend, It’s his own thoughts that intrude and tell him he’s a dirty slut.

 

He went to the sign-in tablet and wrote his name. The receptionist saw him, smiling. “Hello Charlie, how are you?” Charlie smiled weakly. “Hey Susan, I’d be better if I was asleep. It’s too early for...anything.” She chuckled. “Have a seat sweetie. She’ll be right with you.”

 

45 minutes later and the doctor handed Charlie his paper of clearance with a smile. “Clean as always. Stay safe out there.” He smiled to his doctor. “Thank you, I always am. See you next month.”

 

He was glad to see Ben when he got to their next shoot. Another film in the sugar daddy series. He was by the buffet when he walked in, coffee in hand. Ben waved. “Hey Charlie.” Charlie waved but yawned. “Hey.” Ben chuckled. “Too early for you.” “Couldn’t sleep either. Jason came over.” “Have another fight?” “No, I just let him do whatever. I wasn’t in the mood to argue.” Ben gave him a look, putting his coffee down.

 

“Charlie-“ he said in that parental tone. Charlie sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I know, I know, I shouldn’t let him pressure me into stuff I don’t want to do. Trust me, I hate my self for it too.” Charlie felt his eyes well up, he wiped the tears away quickly but Ben saw it, bringing him gently into a nearby empty room to talk. “Hey, whatever you’re thinking stop.” Charlie felt all his emotions from last night bubbling up like vomit, his eyes refusing to stop filing up with tears, his lip trembling as he spoke. “I’m nothing to him. I’m just a fucking hole for him to fuck.” “That is not true and if you think it is you should dump him, you deserve better.”

 

Charlie’s voice cracked. “I’m just tired of being alone. It just seems like every relationship I go into, man or woman, they want me for sex. I might do porn for a living but in a relationship I couldn’t give a damn about sex. I just want them for who they are and I want the same in return.” Charlie let a cry escape as Ben wrapped his arms around him. “Why is that so hard?” Ben sighed, comforting his friend. “You’ll find someone who loves you for who you are, not what you do.” Charlie smiled weakly, wiping tears away. “Wish I could find someone like you.” Ben chuckled. “Sorry bud, already taken.”

 

Ben pulled away, hands on Charlie’s shoulders. “You ok now?” Charlie nodded, wiping the remaining tears away, his blue eyes red. “I think so. I’ll talk to him tonight, hopefully. I just hope it doesn’t start another fight. I don’t have the energy for that.” “Did you take your medication today?” “Yeah, soon as I got up.” Ben nodded. “Good. Let’s get some coffee and food in you, it’ll help you feel better about that asshole of a boyfriend you have.”


	2. Chapter 2

 

It wasn’t as late a shoot as yesterday, Charlie was able to leave at a rather decent time, about 7pm which leaves plenty of time to talk to his boyfriend or to mentally prepare talking to his boyfriend.

 

He took a shower, wanting to be fresh and not smelling like five other men. He got dressed in a simple tee shirt and jeans, texting Jason, too scared to talk to him just yet.

 

“Hey, I got off early, you free?”

 

He watched fifteen minutes of a bad movie on TNT before Jason replied.

 

“For you baby boy, always. I’ll be there soon.”

 

Charlie rolled his eyes at the name. It wasn’t a name of endearment, not to him. Jason literally got it from his porn name “Baby Boy Mikey.” It never came from a place of fondness, just a place of sex.

 

 

Jason let himself in, as he normally does with the copy key he has. Charlie turned the TV off and stood, going to him. Jason reached out to hold him but Charlie pulled away. “I want to talk.” Jason sighed. “Look, I’m sorry about last night, I should have been more-“ “It’s not just about last night. It’s about all the other nights, all the other times you pressured me into something you know I don’t want to do.”

 

Jason scoffed. “Don’t want to do?” He repeated like a parrot before continuing. “I didn’t hear you complaining last night when I was pounding your ass.” Charlie shook his head, hating that he felt angry tears well up in his eyes. “Yes, I did. Before when you were trying to start something? I said I didn’t want to but you still pressured me into it.” “Oh please, of course you want it. I’ve seen your movies.”

 

Jason moved closer and Charlie felt a bolt of fear go down his back, keeping his defenses up. “You love it. You’re a fucking slut for cock, taking it from anyone.” “Yeah, it’s my fucking job, I don’t do it for fun.”

 

“Oh spare me the sob story, I can tell how much you love it.” Charlie shook his head, tears starting to fall down his face, wiping them away quickly. getting ready to be alone again. “We’re done. Hand me the key and leave.” Jason scoffed, getting his keys out of his pocket and threw it on the floor. “Get down on your knees to get it, seems to be all your good for; being on your knees. At least I can say I got a piece of that fine ass of yours. Have a nice life slut.” Jason left, nearly slamming the door.

 

Charlie was in shock. He didn’t think Jason was that bad. He thought he was at least a decent guy, God he was so wrong. He didn’t even want to get the keys, too scared of proving Jason right, his words ringing through his head.

 

He felt his anxity prickle and his breathing get faster. He tried to gain a hold of himself, but a sob escaped, making it harder to breath. He needed to calm before he passed out. He rushed to the bathroom, starting the cold water on the sink and splashing his face with it until he felt his breathing get more even.

 

Once his anxity left the depression of what just happened and everything Jason said came flooding back. He sobbed like a child, holding the sink counter for support. He didn’t trust himself alone. Still hiccuping he walked out into the living room and got his phone, calling Ben.

 

He sat on the couch, curled up as Ben answered. “Hey, what’s up?” “Jason and I broke up.” He whimpered out. Ben cursed. “I’m guessing it didn’t go over well.” “Fuck no. I feel like such an idiot.” “Want me to come over?” “Please? I don’t want to be alone.” “Ok, I’ll be there soon. Should I pick up some comfort food?” “Pizza rolls and nacho cheese.” “You got it.”

 

He said his goodbye and waited in silence which was a bad idea. It was like the silence of the room was mocking him, telling him how worthless he is, that he’s nothing but a hole to fill to others.

 

It’s been a half hour since Jason left and he still couldn’t bring himself to pick up the key he threw to the ground. He sobbed,He felt so fucking stupid, it’s just a key.

 

There was suddenly a knock on the door, making him jump. He got up, going to the door, seeing Ben with two plastic bags filled with snacks. Ben had a small smile but frowned when he saw how upset Charlie was.

 

He came inside and placed his bag on the ground, enveloping Charlie in his arms. “Hey, I got you. I’m here.” Charlie sobbed into Bens chest,holding on like a life line. “He was using me Ben. Like everyone else.” Ben frowned, guiding them to the couch. “And you didn’t deserve any of them. They’re in the wrong here, not you.” “I feel so fucking stupid. I thought all the times he said he loved me he actually cared but no. I was nothing to him. I’m nothing. I’m so fucking worthless.”

 

Ben stayed quiet, letting him vent, knowing there’s nothing he can do right now to change his mind, Charlie continued. “I can’t even pick up the fucking key off the floor.” “Key?” Charlie pulled away, eyes red and face blotchy with tears. “On the floor. I asked for it back and he threw on the floor.” His voice wobbled. “He told me to get on my knees because that’s all I’m good for. And I know he was just being an asshole but it fucking got to me Ben.”

 

He cried, wiping his eyes. “I can’t even bend down to get it without his words coming back.” He expected Ben to call him stupid, to tell him to get over it but Ben just got up and looked for the keys and found them, putting them on the desk table.

 

Charlie just watched, feeling more relalived than he thought he should be. “Thank you.” Ben nodded. “No problem, I’m gonna get our snacks ready, scary movie night ok?” Charlie smiled weakly. “Definitely but won’t your wife wonder what your up to with your coworker?” Ben chuckled as he got the bag. “Nah. She trust me. She’d like to meet you though, I talk about you and she’s seen our films but she wants to meet you. The real you I mean.” Charlie swallowed. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Won’t it be awkward? I mean I’ve probably had more sex with you than you and her will her will have in a lifetime.”

 

Ben laughed. “True but she’s very understanding, why do you think she’s still married to me? Trust me, she’ll love you.” Charlie was silent to that before he got up, wanting to be useful and started making them drinks. Ben saw this and Charlie shrugged. “Drinks by the pool before the movies ok?” “Sounds damn fine to me.”

 

Charlie made them each a Bloody Mary because he wanted something with a bit more flavor and bite. Ben followed to his pool.

 

Both sat on the edge, feet dangling in the water, pants curled up to avoid getting wet and blood Mary’s in hand.

 

Charlie took a sip of his before talking. “I’m such a fucking idiot. Why did I think he was a nice guy?” Ben took a sip of his Bloody Mary. “Assholes can be charming. Why do you think Ted Bundy got so many victims?” Charlie stared at the water. “I suppose. I still feel like a fucking idiot. I actually thought he was decent.” “Hey, look at me.” Charlie complied, staring into his friends eyes. Ben was staring back, all seriousness. “You are not an idiot for falling for him. You saw something good in him, even if that’s now misplaced. Don’t stop seeing the good in people, ok?” Charlie took in a shuddering breath. “I’ll try not to.”

 

“Good. You gonna be ok for tomorrow’s shoot?” Charlie nodded. “Yeah, I think it’ll be good for me. Better than moping around here. My therapist says I should keep moving and keep working even on hard days, It helps.” “That sounds like good advice. After work why don’t you come over my place? You can meet the wife and get some free food.” Charlie gave a half smile. “That sounds good, I’d like that.” “Great, I’ll text her when we go in.”

 

Ben stayed overnight. During the second scary movie Charlie had fallen asleep. Ben wasn’t going to wake him up and he didn’t want to leave him alone. He knew Charlie could get self-destructive and if Charlie is calling him for help, he likely is at that point and knows it. Ben got up, getting a blanket from the bedroom and put it over both of them, making himself comfortable on the couch. He wife knew what was going on so he made himself comfortable and fell asleep.

 

They both woke an hour late for work. Charlie was freaking out as he got his shoes on. “Shit! I’m so fired! How did I stay asleep so long?” Ben chuckled, putting his own shoes on. “You needed the sleep and neither of us set alarms. We can stop for coffee on the way.”

 

The stopped at a Starbucks and Charlie got a large coffee while Ben got an iced coffee. When thy arrived at the set Charlie found the director quickly. “Fuck, I’m so sorry! I forgot to set my alarm-“ “Charlie!” Ben said as he caught up with the manic blonde. The director looked between them both while Ben explained. “Charlie had a rough night last night, I went over to help and we both fell asleep, we both forgot to set our alarms.”

 

The director looked at Charlie. “You ok?” Charlie nodded. “I will be. Just a stupid break up.” The director nodded. “Ok. If you need a break today just say so, I have no problem shutting production down for a day.””No. I’m ok sir, really.” The director smiled weakly. “Good. Settle in, get in costume, we start rolling in twenty.” 

 

The director decided to be kind today and let everyone go around five. Ben smiled, putting his robe on. “Perfect. Shari will love this. We can have an actual dinner.”Charlie smiled over at him, still feeling the residual ache from Jason’s words from last night. They got dressed and Ben led him to his corvette. Charlie got into the passenger seat. “What’s your wife making for dinner?”

 

“That I don’t know. We don’t get dinner like this often.” Charlie frowned. “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t have to come, you can take me home.” “Charlie chill. You’re coming to dinner. We both are excited to have you.”Charlie stayed quiet, knowing any argument won’t do any good, even if he feels like a burden to them.

 

When they got to Bens house Charlie was in awe. Ben had a mansion. It was gorgeous. He hoped one day he could have the same; a stable relationship, marriage possibly and a permanent home.

 

Ben got out of the car, Charlie got out as well,looking around the gardens and architecture.

 

As they walked to the front door it opened and a model quality woman came out to greet them. Her blonde hair up in a messy bun, wearing a tank top and pajama shorts. Ben kissed her, wrapping his arms around her. “Hey babe.” She greeted before seeing Charlie. She smiled sweetly. “Is this the Charlie you were telling me about?” Charlie gave a weak smile. “The one and only.” She smiled, hugging him. “It’s nice to finaly meet you. I’m Shari. Come on in, I’ll give you the tour.”

 

She showed Charlie the whole house and the house was huge, like something on “lifestyles of the rich and famous.” 

 

She had a tennis court, the biggest pool he’s ever seen, five bedrooms (even though they have no kids) the biggest kitchen he’s ever seen plus their own home theater.

 

Charlie was in awe. It made his apartment look tiny. He followed the two the the kitchen, down the winding stair case. Ben spoke up. “So what’s for dinner babe?” She chuckled. “Just grilling out, hamburgers, hot dogs, potatoes.” “Sounds amazing.” Charlie said. She smiled as they walked into the kitchen. “It’s about the only cooking I’m good at. Thank god for frozen patties.”

 

As they walked into the kitchen Charlie asked “So what do you do Shari? For a living I mean.” She started getting the potatoes together. “I’m a model for various companies, the most well known is Victorias Secret.” Charlie’s eyes widen. “Wow. That’s like being famous.” She grinned. “Like you Baby Boy Mikey?” Charlie frowned, feeling like it was some dirty secret that was reveled, he felt stupid for feeling that way. She softened. “It’s cool, I’ve seen you and my husband get it on before in your films. Trust me I wouldn’t have married a porn star if I didn’t trust him.” Charlie nodded, still feeling stupidly vulnerable.

 

Ben was drinking a bottled water when he spoke. “He was going through a bad break up last night.” Shari frowned. “Yeah, you told me.” She looked at Charlie as she chopped up the potatoes. “What happened?”

 

Charlie sighed as Ben handed him a bottled water from the fridge. Charlie sighed. “The same as always: he was using me. Almost every relationship I’ve been in they just want me because I do porn and therefore they think I always want sex. He’s never let me top, we had too many arguments and always pressured me into sex. I thought he was a decent guy though, he could be really nice.” “Charming people will do that. I’ve been with my fair share of assholes because of being a model. You’re not alone sweetie.” Charlie smiled weakly. “Thanks.” He hated how much that actually meant to him. People were garbage for using them.Shari smiled. “Com’on, let’s go to the patio.”Charlie followed Ben and Shari and for the first time in his life, he felt he had friends.


	3. Chapter 3

It was around 10PM when Ben dropped Charlie off outside his apartment complex. Before Charlie could close the passenger door, Ben stopped him. “Hey, you gonna be alright by yourself? I’m sure your place doesn’t have the best memories.” Charlie swallowed his own nerves down and smiled. “I’ll be fine, really. Thanks for everything, I’ll see you at work.” Ben nodded. “Ok, don’t be afraid to call me. Have a good night.” “You too. It was nice meeting your wife, she’s so nice.” Ben smiled. “Told you it wouldn’t be awkward. See ya tomorrow.” Charlie nodded, waving as Ben drove off.

 

Once the engine of the car was gone and the corvette was out of sight, Charlie sighed, feeling the silence of the night overwhelm him.

 

He tried to ignore his intrusive thoughts and walked inside, the feeling of defeat looming over him like a dark cloud.

 

How long would he be alone for? How many more will use him? Charm him into bed, charm him into thinking they’re the one when all they see him as is nothing more than a sex object.

 

Maybe he should give up, maybe he should resign to a life of loneliness, maybe a dog or two and that will be it.

 

When he unlocked the apartment door and walked in, dread filled him just for the stupid reason this is where his worst break up happened.

 

Although his other ex’s used him, they had the decency to act like they cared and were somewhat civil. 

 

Not Jason.

 

Jason was sweet, Jason was kind, Jason bought him flowers and paid for his dinner.

 

But Jason also used him, never let him top when they had sex and always pressured him into sex. Charlie never wanted sex that often outside of work so Jason pressuring him either lead to an argument, when Charlie had the emotional energy or just let Jason have his way. Like a spoiled toddler, it was easier to let them have their way than to fight them.

 

His other ex’s never told him he was a slut or told him to get down on his knees because that’s “all he’s good for.”

 

Charlie felt his anxiety prickle and he walked to his kitchen, getting a tall drink of water, downing it.

 

It seemed to help but he still felt the toxic mixture of his anxiety and depression churning inside of him and no one to talk to.

 

He knows he could call Ben but hasn’t he bothered him enough? Hasn’t he been enough of a burden?

 

As he walked into the living room he saw the copy key still sitting on the desk, making Jason’s words come back, making his heart hurt and what little confidence he had to be washed away.

 

“Get down on your knees and get it. That’s all your good for: being on your knees.”

 

Charlie got so mad, angry tears filling his eyes as he grabbed it and threw it against the wall behind him with a huff.

 

It fell to the floor with a small clang and he was back at square one: the goddamn key is on the floor again and he still can’t bring himself to pick it up.

 

He ran his hands through his hair and groaned, nearly crying. He was not going to call Ben again for this. It’s so fucking stupid.

 

He decided if he’s going to be miserable he might as well be in bed.

 

His phone woke him bright and early at5AM. He groaned. He’s not sure if he even got four hours of sleep. He was kept awake in between trying to cry himself to sleep and Jason’s words and touches haunting him.

 

He shut off his phones alarm and got up, going about his morning routine.

 

Shower.

Have coffee and possibly a protein bar.

Take anti-depressant.

Go to work.

 

When he arrived on set he saw Ben, getting ready by wardrobe choosing suits. Ben smiled, seeing him. “Hey, how you doing?” Charlie half glared, the coffee in his hand hasn’t completely taken effect. “Just peachy. Doing a scene with clothes now?” “Yeah, kinda excited, which suit do you like better? This dark blue with pin stripes or the brown with blue pinstripes?” Charlie gave a weak smile. “Does it really matter? I’m just going to be taking it off of you.” “Please, humor me.” “Fine. The dark blue suit.”

 

The director saw them both, cup of coffee in hand. “Ah! There’s my boys! Today we’ll be doing a photo shoot to promote the “Sugar Daddy” series along with a few scenes.” Charlie nodded. Taking a sip of his coffee.

 

The wardrobe people found him what he was going to wear, along with getting some make-up to highlight his youthful look.

 

The photo shoot wasn’t too bad but it was killer on Charlie’s knees. Having to sit on his knees to look as cute as possible was difficult.At least Ben got to stand up.

 

The second half of the photo shoot was with just Charlie. In between breaks he had to put a rather fancy looking butt plug in.

It had shining stones on it to look like diamonds and a collar to match.

 

He laid down on the bed, his cock hard as the photographer did his job. Making sure to pout for the camera or show his perk ass.

 

Once the photo shoot was over Ben was looking over the pictures alongside the photographer. “You were positively made for the camera Charlie.” Ben said. Charlie smiled weakly as he put a robe on, feeling awkward with the butt plug still inside him but it was necessary for the next scenes. “Thanks, I guess.” “Let’s get some food before the scenes really start.” Charlie agreed, following to the buffet table.

 

Ben started getting doughnuts and other snacks. “How were to last night?” Charlie scoffed. “Terrible. I think I got four hours of sleep. You were right, too many fucking memories.” Ben frowned. “Why didn’t you call me?” “I already burdened you enough. It’s not your job to deal with my emotional baggage.”

 

Ben turned Charlie around to see him properly. “Hey, I’m your best friend and as such it is my job to help deal with your emotional baggage. Tell me what’s up?”Charlie sighed. “It was like you said: too many bad memories. He was the worst break up, all my other ex’s were at least decent about it. I saw the key he left and I got so mad, I threw it and now it’s on the floor. Again.”Charlie looked away, a blush of shame creeping up on his face.

 

Ben didn’t laugh or tell him to get over it. “Charlie, if you needed someone you should have called. When do you see your therapist next?” “Next week.” “I think you should talk to her sooner, she should know about all this.” Charlie frowned. “I guess. Would you come with me?” Ben smiled. “Of course. Me and Shari both would love to come with you, we could go out for food after.” Charlie smiled, feeling a little better. “That does sound nice.”

 

Suddenly the director shouted. “Rolling in five! Let’s go people!” Ben and Charlie quickly finished their snacks and went to the office set, Charlie under the desk, a tight tank top on with nothing on the bottom, his cock and ass on display when necessary. Ben took his spot at the chair while another actor was behind the “office door.”

The director sat at his chair. “And action!”

 

He didn’t get out of work until 9PM, everything hurt but it helped to forget about Jason for a while. He called his therapist while outside by his car. It went to voicemail and he’s honestly not surprised, office hours to over a while ago.

 

Once he heard the beep he talked. “Uh Hey this is Charlie, I know I have an appointment next week but I think I may need to come in sooner. I just had a bad break up and am not handling it well. Just give me a call back, thanks.” He hung up with a sigh, getting in his car and driving to his apartment.


	4. Chapter 4

Charlie was in his therapist office. Ben and Shari next to him.Charlie was getting s but scared. He looked at Ben. “You think I’m getting worse?” Ben frowned. “I think it’s just a bad break up and they’re finally getting to you. I don’t think it’s a matter of getting worse.” Charlie nodded, chewing his fingernail.

 

The office door opened, his therapist in the door way with a smile on her face. “Charlie, please, come in.”He nodded as he got up, Ben and Shari waiting.

 

She closed the door as he walked inside. She talked as they both went to sit. “So what brings you in here so early? Your next appointment isn’t until next week.” He frowned as he sat down. “I just broke up with Jadon, it didn’t go well and it’s really bothering me.” “Bothering you how?”

 

“The night we broke up he called me a lot of names, threw his copy key to the floor and told me the only thing I was good for is being on my knees. I couldn’t pick the key up after he left. I had to ask my friend to come over to do it, so stupid.”

 

She frowned. “Charlie, it’s far from stupid. His words hurt you, you didn’t want to satisfy him in any sense by picking that key up. Also you took his words to heart didn’t you?” Charlie frowned, feeling like shrinking into the chair. “Obviously. “ “so you likely feel that he is right which is more reason why you can’t bring yourself to pick up the key.” Charlie nodded, feeling his eyes water. “I just don’t understand why I can’t find someone that won’t use me? I mean I might be a porn star but when it comes to actual, meaningful relationships I honestly don’t want sex, does that make me a hypocrite?”

 

“I don’t believe so. You have sex for your job, not for fun, there is a big difference. I think you should take some time for yourself, figure out what you want in a relationship and possibly take up a hobby. A hobby can help take your mind off things, relax you, is there anything you enjoy doing?”

 

Charlie shrugged. “I’m not sure. Is that weird?” “Not at all. You’re not alone, many other people are in the same boat of not knowing what to do. I also suggest a pet but with your hours that can be difficult.” Charlie nodded.

 

While outside the office, Shari worried. “Think he’s ok?” Ben nodded. “Yeah, just a little messed up right now. Jason was a grade A asshole.”“Charlie seems like such a nice kid, such a shame people treat him like that.”

 

The office door opened, Charlie and his therapist shaking hands and promising to still see each others next week.

 

Ben smiled as he came out. “Doing ok?”Charlie sighed. “I guess. I just have a lot to think about.” Shari smiled. “Well we can talk about it over some lunch, I’m starving!”

 

They found a burger joint overlooking the beach. Shari at a French Fry drowned in each before talking. “So what did she have to say?” Charlie picked at his food, not really hungry. “That I should find a hobby, it can take my mind off things and relax me but I have no idea. My job is basically my life, I’ve never thought of anything else.” “Did you like to do anything growing up? Like video games or sports?”

 

Charlie shrugged. “I did have a PS1 and 2 when I was younger but it’s all at my parents house.” “Why didn’t you bring it with you? We could go get it now-“ “Shari.” Ben hushed her. Charlie looked between them. “No ben it’s fine, she doesn’t know.” Shari frowned. “Don’t know what?” Charlie frowned as he stared at her concerned face. “I’m a runaway. I ran away from home when I was fifteen. I’ve been on my own since. I didn’t have a lot of time to think of stuff like video games or movies, just surviving. A poem producer discovered me when I was barely seventeen, he did break a few laws to help me but I agreed to it. It seemed like easy money. I wasn’t wrong. I just didn’t think I’d get this popular.” Shari took a sip of her soda. “If you don’t mind me asking, why did you run away?” “Stupid fight. I told my parents I liked a boy in my class and we got into a fight about it, saying it was just a phase and I’ll grow out of it. I never gave them time to apologize or kick me out. I panicked and packed up a bag and left. I havnt seen the for over ten years. God knows if they even want to see me.” Ben put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Hey, you got us. Maybe we could go see the new avengers movie that’s out, I think it’s age of...age of something, I can’t remember.” Charlie perked up. “Age of Ultron?” Ben smiled. “Yeah! That! We could go see that, see if it interests you.” Charlie nodded. “I’m always up for a movie.” Shari smiled. “Me too, I’ll look online for tickets.”

 

They found tickets for 1:35pm and they made sure to be on time, Charlie buying them all snacks and popcorn.

 

The entire movie Charlie was engrossed in it. He didn’t know he liked super hero movies so much.

 

When the movie ended he was surprised. It felt like it was only a few minutes. Shari was the first to say something as they walked out of the theater. “I loved that, I don’t know who half of them are but damn that was a fun ride!” Charlie chuckled. “I need to see the others now. That was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.” Ben smiled. “Why don’t we make today a movie day? My place, we can rent every marvel movie and play catch up.” Charlie grinned. “Oh my god. Yes.” Shari laughed, howling into Charlie’s arm. “This is gonna be fun. We better do some homework first, where do we even start on these movies?” “That’s what the internet is for.” Charlie said as they walked.

 

At Bens place Ben got together a bunch of pillows and blankets for the home theater, gathering the snacks they bought and soda while Shari and Charlie went out on a DVD run for said movies.

 

They both had a bag when Shari and Charlie came back, heading to the home theater. Shari grinned. “Nearly $200 later and we have every marvel movie up to now.” Charlie smiled. “I havnt been this excited in a long time. I feel like a kid again.” Ben chuckled. “I got the snacks and blankets ready, let’s put the first one in. Which one is it?”

 

Charlie looked through the bags. “According to the Internet, Captain America followed by the hulk.” “Let’s get it in then.”

 

They managed to watch four movies: Captain America, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk And Iron Man 2 But they had to call it quiets, everyone having work early in the morning and Shari having to work hours away so she has to be away for a few days.

 

Shari smiled as she stood. “I wish I didn’t have to fly anywhere, I want to keep watching them.” Charlie smiled. “Same. I’ve never been so into a movie. I’ll have to check out what’s on the Internet of them.” Ben smiled. “Think we found you a hobby.” Charlie smiled thoughtfully. “Maybe.”

 

Although Charlie hates the night had to end, he felt a little better about being alone, already thinking of what to look up.


	5. Chapter 5

Charlie was in his therapist office. Ben and Shari next to him.Charlie was getting s but scared. He looked at Ben. “You think I’m getting worse?” Ben frowned. “I think it’s just a bad break up and they’re finally getting to you. I don’t think it’s a matter of getting worse.” Charlie nodded, chewing his fingernail.

 

The office door opened, his therapist in the door way with a smile on her face. “Charlie, please, come in.”He nodded as he got up, Ben and Shari waiting.

 

She closed the door as he walked inside. She talked as they both went to sit. “So what brings you in here so early? Your next appointment isn’t until next week.” He frowned as he sat down. “I just broke up with Jadon, it didn’t go well and it’s really bothering me.” “Bothering you how?”

 

“The night we broke up he called me a lot of names, threw his copy key to the floor and told me the only thing I was good for is being on my knees. I couldn’t pick the key up after he left. I had to ask my friend to come over to do it, so stupid.”

 

She frowned. “Charlie, it’s far from stupid. His words hurt you, you didn’t want to satisfy him in any sense by picking that key up. Also you took his words to heart didn’t you?” Charlie frowned, feeling like shrinking into the chair. “Obviously. “ “so you likely feel that he is right which is more reason why you can’t bring yourself to pick up the key.” Charlie nodded, feeling his eyes water. “I just don’t understand why I can’t find someone that won’t use me? I mean I might be a porn star but when it comes to actual, meaningful relationships I honestly don’t want sex, does that make me a hypocrite?”

 

“I don’t believe so. You have sex for your job, not for fun, there is a big difference. I think you should take some time for yourself, figure out what you want in a relationship and possibly take up a hobby. A hobby can help take your mind off things, relax you, is there anything you enjoy doing?”

 

Charlie shrugged. “I’m not sure. Is that weird?” “Not at all. You’re not alone, many other people are in the same boat of not knowing what to do. I also suggest a pet but with your hours that can be difficult.” Charlie nodded.

 

While outside the office, Shari worried. “Think he’s ok?” Ben nodded. “Yeah, just a little messed up right now. Jason was a grade A asshole.”“Charlie seems like such a nice kid, such a shame people treat him like that.”

 

The office door opened, Charlie and his therapist shaking hands and promising to still see each others next week.

 

Ben smiled as he came out. “Doing ok?”Charlie sighed. “I guess. I just have a lot to think about.” Shari smiled. “Well we can talk about it over some lunch, I’m starving!”

 

They found a burger joint overlooking the beach. Shari at a French Fry drowned in each before talking. “So what did she have to say?” Charlie picked at his food, not really hungry. “That I should find a hobby, it can take my mind off things and relax me but I have no idea. My job is basically my life, I’ve never thought of anything else.” “Did you like to do anything growing up? Like video games or sports?”

 

Charlie shrugged. “I did have a PS1 and 2 when I was younger but it’s all at my parents house.” “Why didn’t you bring it with you? We could go get it now-“ “Shari.” Ben hushed her. Charlie looked between them. “No ben it’s fine, she doesn’t know.” Shari frowned. “Don’t know what?” Charlie frowned as he stared at her concerned face. “I’m a runaway. I ran away from home when I was fifteen. I’ve been on my own since. I didn’t have a lot of time to think of stuff like video games or movies, just surviving. A poem producer discovered me when I was barely seventeen, he did break a few laws to help me but I agreed to it. It seemed like easy money. I wasn’t wrong. I just didn’t think I’d get this popular.” Shari took a sip of her soda. “If you don’t mind me asking, why did you run away?” “Stupid fight. I told my parents I liked a boy in my class and we got into a fight about it, saying it was just a phase and I’ll grow out of it. I never gave them time to apologize or kick me out. I panicked and packed up a bag and left. I havnt seen the for over ten years. God knows if they even want to see me.” Ben put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Hey, you got us. Maybe we could go see the new avengers movie that’s out, I think it’s age of...age of something, I can’t remember.” Charlie perked up. “Age of Ultron?” Ben smiled. “Yeah! That! We could go see that, see if it interests you.” Charlie nodded. “I’m always up for a movie.” Shari smiled. “Me too, I’ll look online for tickets.”

 

They found tickets for 1:35pm and they made sure to be on time, Charlie buying them all snacks and popcorn.

 

The entire movie Charlie was engrossed in it. He didn’t know he liked super hero movies so much.

 

When the movie ended he was surprised. It felt like it was only a few minutes. Shari was the first to say something as they walked out of the theater. “I loved that, I don’t know who half of them are but damn that was a fun ride!” Charlie chuckled. “I need to see the others now. That was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.” Ben smiled. “Why don’t we make today a movie day? My place, we can rent every marvel movie and play catch up.” Charlie grinned. “Oh my god. Yes.” Shari laughed, howling into Charlie’s arm. “This is gonna be fun. We better do some homework first, where do we even start on these movies?” “That’s what the internet is for.” Charlie said as they walked.

 

At Bens place Ben got together a bunch of pillows and blankets for the home theater, gathering the snacks they bought and soda while Shari and Charlie went out on a DVD run for said movies.

 

They both had a bag when Shari and Charlie came back, heading to the home theater. Shari grinned. “Nearly $200 later and we have every marvel movie up to now.” Charlie smiled. “I havnt been this excited in a long time. I feel like a kid again.” Ben chuckled. “I got the snacks and blankets ready, let’s put the first one in. Which one is it?”

 

Charlie looked through the bags. “According to the Internet, Captain America followed by the hulk.” “Let’s get it in then.”

 

They managed to watch four movies: Captain America, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk And Iron Man 2 But they had to call it quiets, everyone having work early in the morning and Shari having to work hours away so she has to be away for a few days.

 

Shari smiled as she stood. “I wish I didn’t have to fly anywhere, I want to keep watching them.” Charlie smiled. “Same. I’ve never been so into a movie. I’ll have to check out what’s on the Internet of them.” Ben smiled. “Think we found you a hobby.” Charlie smiled thoughtfully. “Maybe.”

 

Although Charlie hates the night had to end, he felt a little better about being alone, already thinking of what to look up.

 

Once at home he did what his therapist said and to block out the intrusive thoughts of his apartment. It took a few deep breaths and some bad tv but he felt calm and looked up anything with Marvel it the avengers on his phone.

 

He knew he would be doing the walk of shame when he went into work. He barely got four hours, unfortunately (or fortunately, he’s not sure) e found fan fiction and couldn’t stop.

 

When he walked into the set looking like hell, coffee in hand, Ben frowned. “Rough night?” Charlie yawned. “Not really? I found some avengers fan fiction and couldn’t stop reading.” Ben chuckled. Charlie continued. “I think I ship Iron Man and Captain America.” Before ben could ask what that meant the director came over, letting them know what was gonna happen today.


	6. Chapter 6

Half way through the day the director came over holding two slips of paper. “Ah boys, here you go.”Ben smiled. “AVN awards.” Charlie looked at it. He had been able to go many times before but either didn’t have a date or friend to go with or he just didn’t have the money, early in his career.

 

Charlie just sort of stared at it. The director smiled. “And there might be a certain nominee for best young actor in a gay series.” Ben and the director both looked proudly at Charlie who looked like a lost puppy. “What? Me?” Ben laughed. “Yes you, congrats man!” Charlie smiled weakly, slowly. “Thanks. I’ve never actually been to this thing before. What goes on there?”

 

The director answered. “Like any old award show: various celebrities and actors mingling and networking. Free food.”Charlie frowned. “What do I even wear? Are you two going?” Ben smiled. “Of course. Too bad Shari can’t go this year. Her work schedule and all. On the date of the show she’ll be in Argentina.” Charlie smiled. “Wow, that’s so cool. What should I wear to this? It’s this weekend.”

 

Ben smiled. “I’ll help you out, it’s kind of a more casual oscars so you’re welcome to dress up as nicely or dress down as you want.” “I think I’d want to dress up, it’s a special occasion. Especially if I actually have a nomination, that’s just...I feel like I’m dreaming. I....” Charlie stopped, looking away. “Nah it’s stupid.” “What is it? I’m sure it’s not stupid.” Ben said. Charlie frowned. “I just kinda wish I could tell my parents. I wonder if they would even approve of me doing this sort of stuff but...still would be nice to tell them.” 

Ben frowned. “It’s not stupid, we all want our parents to be proud of us, to be there to experience the big moments with us. Have you ever tried getting back in contact?” “No. They probably never want to see me again.”

 

Before Ben to protest the director was calling Ben over to get ready for the next scene.

 

 

They both didn’t get out of work until near 11pm, exhausted and sore. Ben looked over a Charlie as he got dressed into his normal clothes. “Since tomorrow is gym day and we both technically have off. Want to go suit shopping?” Charlie was putting his boxers on when he looked at Ben. “Are you sure? I’ve never been suit shopping before, I would have no idea what to look for.” Ben grinned. “That’s what makes it fun. We can pop your suit virginity.”

 

Charlie snorted out a laugh. “Sure, I have nothing better to do than read fan fiction.” “You’re such a fucking nerd.” Charlie chuckled. “Guilty as charged. When Shari gets back we’ll have to continue with the other marvel movies. Another movie day.”“Sounds good to me.”

 

The next day Charlie was up around 8AM to get his workout in. Both he and Ben having three workout days. Consisting of four hours or more those days of working out. He won’t lie and say he doesn’t burn any other calories other days, working in porn is constantly having sex in a variety of positions that challenge him on a daily basis. 

 

Having to take it doggy style, for hours a day until you get the right shoot? It’s basically hours of yoga.

 

Charlie was waiting outside his apartment complex for Ben, coffee in hand, workout clothes on and duffel bag hanging over his shoulder, people of every sort walking by.

 

A group of girls walked by as he killed time on his phone. The one girl, with dark hair in waves wolf whistled. “Hey baby, you’re a cutie!” He looked up, seeing the three girls, staring at him and practically eye fucking him. It made his skin crawl and his anxiety flare. He just gave a friendly smile and went back to his phone, hoping it gave enough of a vibe that he’s busy and doesn’t want to talk.

 

Another girl of the group, a blonde walked closer to him, nearly leaning against him. “Aww I think he’s shy.” The other girls made the same aww noise as he tried to move away, his hands shaking. “Ah thank you, really, I’m flattered but-“ “But what sweetie?” The blonde one asked, finishing his question.

 

Ben arrived just in time, moving next to him, holding his hand. “He’s with me ladies,sorry.” Charlie felt relief flood him, holding onto his hand a little tighter as the girls looked a mixture of disappointed and in awe as they left.

 

Charlie and Ben got into the corvette. Charlie sighed. “Thanks for saving me, I was a hair away from an anxiety attack.” “No problem, they looked like vultures around you.” “Felt like it too.” At a red light Ben got his phone out, going to the SnapChat app, bringing up a picture he saved. He smiled,showing the phone to Charlie. “Shari sent me this this morning.”

 

Shari had taken a selfie overlooking the beautiful forests and ocean. Charlie smiled. “Wow, it’s beautiful. Wish I could go somewhere like that.” “Keep dreaming, don’t stop. You’ll get there someday.” Ben said as he took the phone back, seeing the light was green and drove through the intersection to the gym.

 

It was going on 1PM when they got done with their work out, showering and dressing in regular clothes before going to lunch.

 

While eating a protein packed lunch of fish and salad outside the cafe, Charlie spoke before taking a sip of his soda. “So what stores did you have in mind?” “I was thinking Giorgio Armani.” Charlie nearly chocked on his drink before looking at Ben. “What?”

 

Ben chuckled. “What? Can’t afford it?” “No, it’s not that...” “Then what is it?” Charlie was at a loss for words, thinking of how to put his emotions into words. “It’s just...fancy. Like, really fancy. I mean I just go to Walmart for my clothes, when I need them. I guess I’m just a bit used to cheaper stuff.” “I feel the need to start singing you a whole new world.” Charlie chuckled. “Please don’t.”

 

Charlie was in awe when they walked into the designer store. He was so used to buying stuff at Walmart or goodwill. When he ran away he made it a habit to only spend money whenhas to and to keep within a certain budget. Most of his life he had to make the choice between food, clothing or shelter. Habits die hard he thinks.

 

The clerk came over, greeting them in a suit that probably was equivalent to one of Charlie’s paychecks.

 

The handsome man smiled. “Good afternoon gentlemen, how may I be of service?” Ben smiled, clapping his hand in Charlie’s shoulder. “This young man needs a suit.” The clerk smiled. “I’m sure we can find something, what are your names?” “I’m ben, this is Charlie.” Charlie just waved weakly. He still was a bit in awe of the amazingly expensive suits around him.

 

“Alright then Charlie, Ben, come this way. What did you have in mind Charlie?” Charlie gasped. “Uhh no idea. I’ve never been anywhere more expensive than Walmart.” “This will be fun then. I have some ideas that I think would go well with your skin tone, tell me, what’s the occasion?” “Awards ceremony.”

 

Ben grinned. “He’s been nominated too.” The clerk smiled. “Really? How wonderful!”

 

It took nearly an hour to find the right suit. Most of them made him look like a child wearing his father’s clothes, no thanks to his boyish charm.

 

Ben whistled when Charlie came out wearing a dark blue, slim suit with a dark grey shirt and a gray bow tie of a rougher material. Charlie looked shy in it, feeling out of place in a suit so nice. “So?” Charlie said. Ben smiled. “This one is it. Blue is your color.” Charlie looked at the clerk. “How much will this suit be?” “This particular one is limited edition and made with only the finest, imported silk so it’ll likely be around the $4,000 range.” Charlie’s eyes got wide before he realized he actually can afford that. Ben intervened before Charlie had a panic attack. “He’ll take it. He’s just not used to shopping somewhere like this.” Charlie swallowed. “I’m gonna go get dressed now.” Charlie felt like he was suddenly wearing the most precious glass, feeling that if he moved too much he’ll break it.

 

Once he changed out of it, carefully, he felt much better. How was he supposed to wear this for hours at an award ceremony?

 

At the check out Charlie sighed. “Im not sure about this. I’m gonna be so out of place there.” Ben patted his shoulder. “Hey, I’ll be there with you, I won’t leave your side, Ok?” Charlie nodded, taking the suit bag gently and receipt, walking out of the store with Ben.

 

As they got into the car, suit hiding on the provided hanger in the backseat, Ben spoke up. “You know you gotta start writing. An acceptance speech right?” Charlie raised an eyebrow. “Why?” “In case you win.” “Just cause I’m nominated doesn’t meanI’m gonna win. “ “it’s still a good idea to think of what you’re gonna say.” Charlie groaned. “God I hope I don’t win. I’m not sure I’d be able to give a speech. I’ve never done public speaking.” “Don’t worry, I’ll help you out.”

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

“What is that?” Ben asked on the first class area of the plane. He and Charlie were set for Las Vegas. When the pilot said you may return to what you were doing, Charlie got a notebook and pen out.

 

Charlie looked up. “A notebook.” “No shit, what are you writing?” Ben asked, grinning. Charlie blushed. “Just thinking of what my therapist said. I should think of what I want out of life and what I want out of relationships so I’m making a list.”

 

“You make it sound like it’s a grocery list.”Charlie smiled weakly, still a bit shy talking about his list. “A grocery list for life.” Ben chuckled. “What do you have on this list so far?”

 

Charlie looked between Ben and the notebook. “Uhh just basics like find hobbies, find stuff you like,get more sleep, eat better,take better care of myself mentally and physically. “

 

“Sounds like a good list.” “I’m trying to think of what I want out of a romantic relationship though. Would I be a hypocrite if I said I wanted to be asexual with a partner?”

 

“I don’t think so. Sex is your job and not everyone likes it outside of work. Me? I don’t mind, Shari and I have sex every once in a while but it’s not that often. Normally I’m too exhausted or she’s too tired, our work schedules almost never meet up. Plus it’ll definitely weed out the bad apples that only want you for sex. Soon as they try anything and you said you don’t want anything sexual in a relationship? They’ll probably be long gone. And that sounds bad but it’s really not.” “I know, I got what your saying.” Charlie said with a small smile as he wrote down “start identifying as Asexual.”

 

Once they landed and got to their hotel, Charlie collapsed on the bed face up. Ben chuckled, bag around his shoulder. “It wasn’t even a two hour flight.” “Yeah but we had to be up at four in the morning, not counting delays and not sleeping.” Ben gave him a parental look as Charlie sat up. “Don’t look at me like that.” “I will look at you like that, how much sleep did you get last night?” “Maybe two hours.” Charlie said as he ran his hands through his hair.

 

Ben frowned. “Are you seriously ok? Are you still thinking about you ex?” “No, well, not in the way you think I am.” Ben sat down on the bed, Charlie not wanting to look him in the eyes, stared at the white comforter. “Charlie, talk to me. You know you can tell me anything.” 

 

Charlie frowned, trying to think of how to put his emotions into words. “When it’s late and the worlds asleep and quiet, my mind won’t shut up. His words keep floating in my head. Not even words from the break up, from when we were together, he kept claiming I loved cock, that I love taking it anywhere because he’s seen my films.” Charlie felt his eyes water, wiping the tears away quickly, feeling weak. Ben let him continue.

 

“I hated arguing with him. It was like arguing with a wall because it felt a bit hypocritical of me to say I don’t want to have sex with him.” “But you can. It’s not hypocritical at all.” Charlie nodded, sniffling. “I know that now. From now on, if I meet someone I want to peruse, I going to tell them straight up this is how it is. But I still feel like he was right. Maybe being on my knees is all I’m good for. I’m just an object that can be thrown away.” Charlie’s voice wobbled as he brought his knees up to his chin, trying so hard not to cry.

 

Ben wrapped him up in his arms. “Hey now, he was an asshole and he didn’t deserve you. You are worth so much, people love you for who you are.” Charlie cried into his shoulder, sniffling, not knowing what to say. He felt like his heart was tearing itself apart, that glass shards replaced it and every beat jams them deeper and deeper, leaving him in agony.

 

“Did you take your medication yet?” “Not yet.” Ben got up. “Where is it?” Charlie wiped his eyes. “In my bag, front pocket.”

 

Ben found the medication bottle quickly, getting a bottled water from the fridge and coming over to Charlie. “Here. And please, try to get some sleep. We have hours before we even have to think about getting ready.” Charlie took the bottle, staring at it with contempt before opening it, taking a pill out and swallowing it with the water.

 

Ben smiled weakly. “I have an idea. Do you have an iPod? Music on your phone?” Charlie nodded. “Yeah, why?” “Have earbuds?” “Yeah, they came with my phone.” “Do you have them now?” “No. I don’t use them that often.” Ben nodded, going to his own bag and getting his own EarPods out, going to Charlie.

 

“Here. Try listening to music while you sleep, it might help keep your mind distracted enough to let you sleep. Keep those nasty thoughts away.” Charlie nodded, taking them. “I’ll try.” “Good. I’ll be in the other room watching TV or something. I won’t be far.” Charlie nodded, looking exhausted already.

 

Charlie took his shoes off and shirts off, leaving him in his boxers and tee shirt. He wasn’t gonna fight sleep. It was 7AM. He barely got two hours of sleep, he wasn’t gonna act like a stubborn five year old any time soon. He inserted the cable into his phone and put in the earbuds, looking through his music.

 

There was mostly punk music like Fall Out Boy or Panic! At The Disco but he did have a Nora Jones album and a few Beethoven albums. He put those ones into a sleep playlist.

After two songs of Beethoven he was out like a light.

 

He frowned awake when Ben was shaking his shoulder.Ben smiled. “Hey sleepy head, time to get ready?” Charlie yawned as he sat up, taking the earbuds out. “Fuck, how long was I out for?” “Nearly the whole day. Don’t even grumble, you needed it but it is time to start getting ready, the limo is gonna be here in an hour.” Charlie blinked. “A limo?” “Hell Yeah, we’re arriving in style.”

 

When Charlie got into his suit, very carefully, he wasn’t sure how to feel. This all seems like a dream. Limos, awards, he being up for a nomination, it had to be a dream but the residual ache in his chest that seemed to never leave told him it wasn’t, This was real.

 

Ben took a picture of him in his suit, sending it to Shari. Charlie perked up when he heard her reply come in.

 

Ben smiled, reading the text.

“Looking good!Blue is his color! Send me lots of pictures!”

Charlie walked over. “What did she say?” Ben turned to him, pocketing his cell phone. “She said you are looking good. Blue is your color. Now let’s get going, the limo is waiting.” Charlie grinned as they walked out the door.

 

Charlie was in awe of Cesar’s palace. It’s was gorgeous and already it was swarming with people and paparazzi. He suddenly felt his anxity prickle it’s way up his back, making his fingers shake and his eyes watery.

 

When the Limo stopped Ben saw Charlie’s anxiety, talking to the driver before he opened the door. “Give us a minute.” The limo driver nodded.

 

Ben turned to Charlie who was already trying to get his breathing under control. “Hey, breathe for me, everything is gonna be fine.” “It’s not. There’s so many people, they’re gonna hate me, they’re gonna think I don’t belong here.” “No they are not. And if they are, fuck’em. Who gives a shit if they are thinking that? You are up for a nomination, that means that the adult video industry gottogether and and said you have have earned it to be up there.”

 

Charlie let his words sink in, wiping his eyes. “Ok. I think I’m calm now. Just a few more minutes?” “No problem, take as long as you need, I’ll be here.” Charlie smiled weakly, wiping the tears away from his eyes. “Thanks, for everything I mean. I hate dragging people into my emotional baggage.” “That’s what friends are for. Now we are gonna go out there and show them who own this place.” Charlie smiled. “Hell yeah, let’s do this.”

 

His confidence was short lived unfortunately when he stepped out of the Limo and cameras immediately flashing bright, in his face, people shouting and calling his name.

 

He kept his anxiety down best he could. Giving a few feeble waves but ultimately stayed very close to Ben who did most of the talking.

 

Once inside and it was more quiet, Charlie had to take a few shaking breaths, his hands shaking. “I don’t think I can do this.” Ben frowned. “Are you sure? I can take the award, if you win, on your behalf and bring it back to the hotel.” Charlie swallowed, starting to calm. “Give me an hour, maybe it was just all the cameras and people. It’s a bit more quiet in here.” Ben nodded. “No problem, let’s go find our table then.”

 

They found their table and talked quietly with themselves until a few others came, two blonde, big breasted woman came in their slinky dresses, sitting down at the table. The one woman smiled, her pink lips stretched thin. “Oh is this Baby Boy Mikey I’ve heard so much about?” Charlie blushed and Ben chuckled. “The one and only.” 

 

The blonde woman smiled, holding out her hand. “I’m Charlotte and this is Emma. We do a lesbian series.” Charlie nodded, feeling like he was unable to talk, feeling like his mouth was sown shut. Ben explained. “He’s just a bit shy. He’s never been to one of these.” Charlotte smiled a little softer. “Poor thing. I hope you’ll warm up soon, it can be a lot of fun, you can get some great networking here.”

 

Charlie just nodded, Ben and her getting into a conversation as he drank his water, feeling like a child in between relatives at a family event.

 

When the ceremony was finally started, Charlie felt his anxity flare up again.

 

What if he wins?

What does he say?

That stupid, of course he wouldn’t win.

But in the off chance he does, what the fuck does he say?

Everyone here is much more experienced, less shy and all confidence. He was so out of place he might as well be a fish out of water. 

 

He mumbled a quick “excuse me” before leaving the table, Ben following a few seconds after.

 

He went to the restroom, going to the sink and holding it in a white knuckle grip.

 

Ben was next him within seconds, rubbing his back. “Hey, if you need to go back to the hotel, that’s ok.” Charlie took in a hiccuping breath. “But the award...this suit..” “Don’t mean shit. You matter Charlie, if you need to be alone, if this is too much for you that’s ok. “ Charlie looked up at him, his blue eyes watery and red. “Are you sure?” Ben smiled sadly. “Very sure.” Ben wrapped him in his arms, towering over his 5’8 frame. Charlie welcomed it, letting his friends warmth and comfort envelop him before letting go.

 

Charlie looked up. “I guess I’ll see you at the hotel. I’m sorry tonight was a bust.” “Don’t sweat it, just take care of yourself, ok?” Charlie nodded. “I will. Thank you. Text me pictures?” “Of course.” Charlie nodded with a sad smile. He really had wanted to enjoy tonight.

 

He found his limo driver and asked to take him back to the hotel. Thankfully the driver didn’t ask why and Charlie made a mental note to give him extra in his tip. He welcomed the privacy.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Charlie was in curled on the couch, watching some late night drama he forgot the name of, having changed out of his $4,000 suit to just a tee shirt and sweatpants he found at Walmart when he was eighteen.

 

He hated himself for letting his anxiety get in the way of his life. He was nominated for an award and he couldn’t stand the thought of speaking to all those people. That’s if he even won, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he felt as out of place as a fish out of water.

 

He jumped when he heard the door to the hotel open, fearing it was Jason, coming to teach him a lesson but he relaxed when he heard Bens voice. “Charlie, you awake?” Charlie got up, seeing Ben in the entry way, holding one of the awards. Charlie smiled seeing it. “Did you win? I didn’t even know you were nominated.” Ben grinned. “Not me. You.” Charlie was taken aback. “What?”

 

Ben handed the crystal award over, Charlie handling it as if it was a newborn infant. “There has to be a mistake. Was it rigged?” “Nope. You won that fair and square.” Ben smiled a little softer,so very proud of his friend. “Seriously, you earned this. Congratulations man.” Charlie looked at it with such reverence, handling it like it was the most precious thing in the world. “Oh my god, I can’t believe this.”

Charlie said with a smile.

 

He continued. “What did you tell them when I left or couldn’t accept my award.” “The truth. That you have severe anxiety issues you’re trying to work through and that it was your first time at an award show. They were all understanding and wished you luck.” Charlie nodded, still in shock as he walked it over into the bedroom portion of the hotel room, placing it gently next to the complimentary alarm clock.

 

He wanted to stare at it forever.

 

He fell asleep to the sounds of Nora Jones and the thought that he finally made it and that thought seemed to calm his anxiety.

 

The next day while they were sight seeing Vegas and buying mementos, Shari called while they were having lunch. Ben picked up, it was a video call. Ben smiled. “Hey babe, how’s the photoshoot going?” Shari grinned in the video. “It’s going really well but that’s not why I called. I was gonna wait and tell you this in person when I got back this weekbut I can’t wait.” Charlie perked up, listening to her from his spot at the table, swallowing a bite of his sandwich.

 

“I’m pregnant!” Ben was in shock but smiling. “What? Are you serious?” “As serious as a heart attack, I saw the medic with us, I’m a few days over a month pregnant. “ Ben cheered, standing quickly, punching the air. “Yes! Oh my god! I can’t believe this!”

 

Charlie was chuckling and watching with joy and pride. His best friend was going to be a father. Ben went around, grabbing Charlie and hugging him tightly. “I’m gonna be a father! Charlie, oh my god!” Charlie and Shari both laughed at his reaction, it was adorable how happy he was.

 

Charlie smiled, speaking to Shari. “Congrats Guys!” Ben started going back to his seat but paced back and fourth on the side walk, passerby watching him strangely. “Oh my god babe, we gotta throw a party when you get back! We need to tell everyone! Shit, I need to call my mom!”

 

“She’s going to be so stoked. I gotta go, plan a wicked party for me.” “You got it baby mama.” Shari gave him a raised eyebrow but smiled. “Don’t ever call me that. Love you, gotta go.” “Love you too, stay safe.” “Will do.” She hung up and Ben seemed to collapse into his seat, grinning with shock. “I’m gonna be a dad.”“You mean you’re not gonna be my daddy any more?” Charlie said with a playful smirk. Ben laughed and Charlie laughed with him and never felt more lighter or happier in his life.

 

The plane ride back to LA was nothing but Ben thinking about baby names and what gender the baby might be. Charlie smiled and felt so unbelievably happy for his friend,he never wanted this to stop.

 

When they landed, Ben was already on the phone with his mom, telling her the news as the limo drove them to Bens house. Charlie watched and heard Bens mother’s voice even from his spot, even with the phone not on speaker. Safe to say, she was just as excited and happy as her son.

 

When they arrived home Ben was a blur of unpacking and making calls and nervous energy that seemed to vibrate off of him.Charlie stayed and helped out best he could, his own bags still in the entry way of the mansion.

 

Charlie found Ben in the kitchen, taking a drink of water. Charlie smiled as he walked over. “Hey, you doing ok?” Ben nodded. “Yeah Just...I’m starting to really understand your anxiety. I want everything perfect.” “It will be. Just drink some water, take a few breaths. You got this. Who all are you inviting?” “Mostly family, a few friends. Still need to buy food, shit! What would everyone like? I haven’t hosted a party in years. “ “Breathe, we got this. When does Shari come home?” “Tomorrow, around one.” “Why don’t we plan tomorrow, when she gets here and get her opinion on everything. You know it’s not a surprise party.” Ben sighed, taking a deep breathe as Charlie said. “Yeah, yeah that sounds like a good idea. I’ll order some pizza for us and we can chill and watch TV.” Charlie smiled. “Sounds good.”

 

Ben nodded as he walked away, the nervous energy still vibrating around him and for once Charlie felt in control of his anxiety, helping his friend through his own; it was a powerful feeling in the best way. For once he wasn’t the one needing help and he could be the one to help.


	9. Chapter 9

Charlie felt his anxity spike at Sharis party. There were so many people he didn’t know. Some celebrities (he swore he saw Merrill Streep) and other people from their job, Ben and Shari’s family.

 

It was a rather large affair and Charlie felt tiny.

 

Thankfully Ben or Shari didn’t force him to socialize and let him have his space, checking on him every so often.

 

He stayed inside mostly, almost everyone was outside. A few people came inside to talk, get away from the sun, whatever reason. Charlie watched through the large sliding door and windows from the kitchen island, nursing a beer.

 

The door opened suddenly, a black haired woman walking through before closing it with a huff. “Sorry to intrude but I had to get away.” Charlie chuckled. “No worries.” She walked over to him, smiling. “What’s your name?” “I’m Charlie.” She smiled. “Old fashioned name. I like it. I’m Nicole.” Charlie smiled. “Nice to meet you. Can’t stand it out there either?”

 

She put a stand of black hair behind her ear, reveling several piercings. “Yeah. Just a little too much for me.” She was quiet as she moved into the room, Charlie sipping his beer. She leaned on the counter next to him with a devilish grin. “I have an idea on how to pass the time.” She said as she brought out a small, clear bag with multiple tightly rolled joints.

 

Charlie just stared. He had a few puffs when he was fifteen and hanging around people less than good for him but he couldn’t have cared less at the time because where else was he going to go. It was about the only thing that made his days feel better back then, helped get him out of bed, made him forget about his developing depression and anxiety, at least until he was able to see a real therapist and get proper treatment.

 

He felt a bit rebellious and grinned. “Sure, let’s find a spot though, I don’t want people walking in on me being stoned out of my mind.” “Good call.”Nicole said. He got up, signaling her to follow. She grinned, following close behind him as he went up the large staircase and into one of the many bedrooms, locking the door.

 

She was laughing with excitement as she sat on the bed, getting the bag and lighter out. Charlie felt nervous but excited. He sat next to her a small distance, close to the edge of the bed. “I’ll warn you, it’s been well over ten years since I’ve done this.”

 

She took two out and handed him one. “It’s like riding a bicycle, you never forget, here.” He took the joint gently, letting her light it.

 

It glowed a bit at the top where it was lit before smoldering and smoking, filling his face with the familiar scent of his youth.

 

He took an inhale and then exhaled, letting the smoke flow through his lips, delicate and light.

 

She took an inhale and nearly moaned through it, letting it escape her mouth with more speed than Charlie with his own joint.

 

 

After a few minutes they both laid on the bed, facing the ceiling and just staring, letting the psychotropic smoke float around them as they exhaled.

 

Nicole started laughing, snorting as she did. Charlie found it adorable. Nicole spoke, still facing the ceiling. “What if we had sex, right now, on this bed? Would it be like doing it on your parents bed?” Charlie laughed along too. “Probably.”

 

Nicole turned her head, biting her lip with a grin. “We should do it. We should fuck, right now on this bed.” She laughed again. “Fuck, I barely know your name.”

Charlie chuckled out “It’s Charlie..”Nicole held her head on the palm of her hand, looking at him, trying to be serious. “Ok. Charlie. Let’s fuck on this bed, right now.”

 

Her hand came over, feeling the button of his shirt. Charlie chuckled, taking her hand and just holding it. “Sorry, I don’t do that.” She pouted like a five year old. “Not even a kiss? You have really kissable lips, I’ve been staring at them for like the last five minutes.”Charlie smiled, kissing did sound nice. That’s not something he does very often in porn.

 

“Fine. Just a kiss.” She grinned, diving and capturing his lips like she was diving into a swimming pool with glee.

 

She crashed her lips to his, moving quickly to straddle him, devouring his mouth with her own. He made a noise of surprise but ultimately let her have her way. She moved away to take another hit of her joint, he doing the same. Before he could exhale the smoke she move quickly, kissing and sucking the delicate smoke from his mouth; shotgunning, he remembered they called it

 

He nearly moaned, it was pretty hot and a part of him felt guilty for not sticking to his “asexual” rule he made to himself. He realized it was probably the weed clouding his senses like it was clouding their heads in a halo of gray.

 

He didn’t feel the urge to stop her, just the want, to lay down and take whatever was going to happen. Would he regret this? Hate himself? He couldn’t bring himself to care as she unzipped his jeans and nearly swallowed his half-hard cock whole.

 

He moaned, hands going into her hair as she bobbed with experience. “Ahh shit...that feels good.” She sucked him a little more before slipping her lips off with a pop as she started taking her own jeans off.

 

He then felt the need to speak up, to tell her he didn’t want it but she was already half naked and sinking down on him, taking her inside her wet, throbbing entrance. He gasped, gripping the bedsheets as she rode him rough, with no gentleness, seemingly only going for her own completion, her own climax.

 

He panted, feeling his own orgasim starting to peek,slowly but she was already coming around him, moaning and shouting. “Oh fuck! Yes!” She kissed him roughly as she came around him, he moaned, feeling her walls trembling and tightening around him.

 

It felt good but it wast enough for him. Everything was too rough, too rushed. She pulled off him and pouted.”You didn’t come.” He panted,unsure of how to explain why he didn’t. “Sorry, no.” She smiled. “Let me fix that for you.” She went back down, kissing down what little of his abs were showing from his shirt being roughed up, her mouth engulfing him again from root to tip.

 

He moaned as she sucked and used her tongue in the best way. She flicked a section of the head and he saw stars, coming down her throat and feeling bad about it. He didn’t even warn her.

 

But she swallowed it all and climbed back up to kiss him messily and sloppy as she laid next to him.

 

She managed to hold onto her joint the whole time, laying her head on his shoulder and taking another hit while his still lay in his hand loosely, barely used.

 

She eventually smoked her entire joint, throwing it to the bedside table recklessly, not caring if it hit the floor or bed.

 

She saw his barely smoked joint in hand. “If you’re not gonna finish I’ll take it.” Charlie handed it over with a chuckle. “Here.”She grinned as she took hold and sucked, puckering her lips around the thin paper.

 

While she smoked he put himself back away into his boxers and pants. That disgusting feeling washing over him again. The same as it did when he was with Jason.

 

But he put on a smile and stood. “I should probably get going. I’ll see you around I guess.” She stood quickly. “Wait, I want your number.” He shrugged. “Sure.” Not thinking she was actually gonna use it, let alone remember, he programed it into her phone. “There. See you around.” She grinned. “You know it cutie.”

 

He walked out of the room as Ben was waking by. Ben chuckled. “Hey, how you doing?” Charlie felt his actions come back. Having sex in his friends house with a girl he barely knew the name of smoking a joint that barely buzzed him.

 

But Charlie didn’t want to bring Ben down from the happy occasion from his emotional baggage so he pushed aside his disgust and self-loathing and smiled. “Fine. I’m doing good.” Ben smiled. “That’s good cause I was hoping you can meet some people.” “Who?” “My parents, I talk about you and Shari all the time to them. They know what I do for a living and know I’m best friends with one of my coworkers and they just really want to meet you.” Charlie swallowed his anxiety down. “Sure. No problem.”


	10. Chapter 10

Once Charlie was home he turned on the shower, hot as he could and stood, letting the scolding water cleanse him.

 

Why didn’t he just push her away? Tell her no and leave the room? The weed clouded his head, making his limbs feel relaxed yet heavy, he didn’t care at the time what she did and even if he had, it was hard to actually work through it.

 

He shouldn’t have even accepted her idea to smoke weed in a guest bedroom.

 

He had another sleepless night, feeling imaginary hands touching and feeling him.

He felt like a hypocrite, he had work tomorrow and couldn’t wait. He wanted to feel safe again and, even though sex is involved in his job, he felt safe there, he felt no judgments there.

 

He can lose himself to the role he was given. He knows no one is using him, not like his other ex’s used him. No one has any other intentions other than the job or scene. None of them can use him for money or sex cause most those he knows from working in porn is that they all get paid fairly well and there’s always a “get to know you” meeting with new coworkers and costars. Everything is placed on the table and it made him feel comfortable and safe.

 

When he went into work Ben knew right away he didn’t sleep well. Ben always knew when something was wrong, he was always perceptive like that.

 

When he walked into the set with sunglasses on and large coffee in hand, Ben came over. “What’s with the sun glasses?” “Just...felt like wearing them?” Ben gave him a look. “Uh-huh, it’s five in the morning, the sun is barely out. Try again.” Charlie sighed, taking them off, showing how dark the circles under his eyes have gotten. Ben frowned. “Still not sleeping?”

 

Charlie shrugged. “I guess I was doing ok but I might have smoked some weed at your party, and may have had sex with a girl.” Bens eyebrows rose practically off his face. “You? Having sex? Outside of work? With a girl?” Charlie groaned, running his free hand through his blonde hair that’s is yet to be styled. “I know! I feel like a total loser about it.”

 

Ben frowned. “Are you sure you’re ok? Both those things don’t sound like you.” Charlie looked up into his friends warm eyes. “It was her idea, I just sorta followed. I think I just wanted to do something and didn’t think of what could happen. “ “Are you ok from that?” Charlie sighed. “I will be. I’m feeling better now that I’m here. It’s so weird so say but I feel my best here, no one judges you or uses you for ulterior motives.” Ben smiled.

 

“Not weird at all, your safe place is what place makes you feel safe, keep it, no matter how weird. But let’s get you to make up, the viewers will start thinking I’m fucking a raccoon if they get any darker.”

 

Charlie nearly spat out his coffee laughing, he and Ben walking to the make up department.

 

The scene they were doing today was a semi-heavy BDSM scene. The “Daddy” showing his “baby boy” his toys in his fancy sex bedroom.

 

The cameras rolling, Charlie putting himself completely into the role of Mikey, the young boy with a sugar daddy with a heart of gold.

 

Ben, in the nicest suit they had, hair slicked back and shoes shining like the top of a sky scraper, had his finger on Charlie’s chin, gently tilting his face to look in his eyes.

 

Ben spoke lowly, his thumb caressing his cheek. “Are you sure my sweet boy? Are you sure you want to experience my special room?” Charlie’s eyes fluttered close, relishing in the feel of Bens soft hand on his face. “Yes.” Bens grip tightens. “Yes what?” “Yes Daddy.” Ben grinned. “Good boy.” He kissed him quickly before pulling away and opening the door.

 

“Cut! Marvelous!” The director said. Charlie smiled, letting out a yawn he had been holding the entire scene. Ben chuckled. “More coffee?” “Yes please.” Charlie said as they took their break while the set design did their job and changed it from a hallway to a bedroom.

 

It was going on 11AM while the set was being changed and having some coffee and reapplying of make up.

 

Charlie was on his way to props and sex toys to get ready properly when his phone rang in his pocket.

 

He picked it out, looking at it. He didn’t know the number and it wasn’t a part of his contacts but that doesn’t mean it isn’t someone he knows, a lot of producers and his doctor come in under those kind of numbers that aren’t on his contact list.

 

He answered, bringing it to his ear. “Hello?” “Hello? Is this Charlie?” “Yeah, who’s this?” There was a sigh. “Nicole, from the party yesterday, I saw your name in my phone and it took me a few minutes to remember, it’s a bit fuzzy. But long story short I’m sorry, the weed and sex, that’s not who I am, it’s just a really bad way of dealing with my anxiety.”

 

Charlie frowned, feeling his chest bloom with empathy. “I know how that feels.” “With that said would you want to meet up? Properly and sober?” “Sure, coffee sound good?” “It’s great! What time?” Charlie sighed. “I’ll call you. I’m at work and my hours are unstable so I’m not sure when I’ll be done. I can text you and keep you updated.” “No worries, it sounds like a plan and trust me, I know a thing or two of unstable hours. Well, ok, I hope to hear from you soon.” Charlie smiled. “Ok. I’ll text you, bye.”

 

Ben saw his smile when he was done on the phone, donut in hand. “Who was that?” Charlie smiled. “It was the girl I met yesterday.” “The one you had sex with?” Charlie sighed. “Yes. She called me, sober and wants to meet up. She apologized for her behavior and we’re gonna meet up for coffee.” Ben nodded. “Ok. Jut be careful ok?” Charlie smiled, walking closer. “We’re getting coffee, what’s the worst that could happen?”

 

Charlie didn’t get out of work (sore in so many places he doesn’t even want to think about) until near 10PM, texting Nicole throughout the day.

 

He texted her as he got to his car.

 

“Just got out of work, still want to meet up even if it’s late?”

 

It was a full five minutes before he got a reply, at a red light.

 

“Of course! I know a 24 hour coffee shop near where I live.”

She sent the location and both agreed to meet up.

 

He got to the little coffee shop, seeing Nicole already inside with a steaming cup. He parked and got out, walking inside, inhaling the scent of coffee and Carmel.

 

She saw him and waved him over with a smile. Charlie came over, smiling as he sat. “Hey, it’s nice to meet you sober.” She laughed. “Same. So where do you work that your hours are so werid?” Charlie swallowed. Should he tell the truth and risk her using him for sex or lie and just say he’s an actor?

 

He went for the lie. “I’m an actor, film sets can be hectic.” She smiled. “Wow. I’m meeting someone famous.” Charlie chuckled. “Ok what about you? What do you do?” “I’m a stripper at a very nice gentleman’s club. Well, exotic dancer is the politicallycorrect term.” Charlie nodded. “How is that? I’ve never been in one of those places.”

 

She smiled. “Oh sweetie we gotta get you into one. Some can be really dirty and sleazy but the one I work at is higher class so it’s much nicer.” “Do you get paid to have sex with clients?” “Well...were really not supposed to have sex with them. Just get them all fired up and turned on but..” She bit her lip with a grin. “Yeah. I do. It pays insanely well. Enough about work, what about you? I want to know you.” Charlie chuckled. “Ask away.”

 

Nicole smiled. “Ok. Favorite color?” Charlie raised an eyebrow. “What is this, kindergarten? It’s sky blue.” “Ok, favorite food?” “Spaghetti, lots of oregano.” She smiled. “Same. I fucking love spaghetti.”

 

It wasn’t three hours later that Charlie saw the time, eyes going wide. “Oh my god, it’s nearly two in the morning. I have to be at work at five. Shit!”She smiled, standing as he stood. “Well this was really nice. Would you want to go on an actual date sometime?” Charlie smiled. “Yeah, this was really nice.” She smiled, kissing his cheek. “Ok. I’ll call you tomorrow. Have fun at work.” He smiled as he walked out the door, feeling like a cartoon with heart eyes and a flutter in his stomach. “Yeah. Yeah, sounds perfect.”


	11. Chapter 11

 

For a week Charlie had been talking and texting Nicole, unable to get much free time between their jobs. After a scene Charlie would always check his phone and Ben chuckled watching it. It was cute.

 

“So are you actually going to ask her out?” Ben asked before drinking from his water bottle. Charlie smiled. “We keep trying but our hours never match up. “ “You need to make time.” Charlie sighed as he ate some fruit, waiting for the set to be changed.

 

Half way through the next week, on a Wednesday he managed to get out of work near 8PM and had off the next day for his workout day with Ben. He called her, not even caring how sore he was.

 

She picked up as he got to his car. “Hey cutie, what’s up?” “Just got out of work, wanna go on a date?” “Fucking finally. Yes I want to go on a date. What should we do?” Charlie opened the driver side. “We could just chill at my place, watch a few movies on Netflix, I can buy us some snacks and pick you up.” “Sounds amazing. But gummy bears, they’re my favorite.” Charlie smiled. “Will do. I’ll call you when I’m done picking up the snacks.” “Sounds like a plan my man. See you soon!” She hung up and he laughed, feeling on top of the world. His apartment, as nice as it is, gets lonely

 

His BMW convertible went in between traffic gracefully, the white paintreflecting the colorful blur of the street lights.

 

He stopped at the closet Walmart and bought two packs of gummy bears, some Swedish fish, pizza rolls, a six pack of Dr.Pepper and a cute necklace of a small pink quartz “healing” stone in gold binding. It looked like something she would like and grabbed it for her.

 

He texted her that he would be at her place in about five minutes. She replied back within seconds.

 

When he pulled up he smiled, taking her in. She was gorgeous, wearing shorty-shorts and a small tee with tennis shoes. She jogged over, her black hair flowing over her shoulders, bouncing with her movement as she sat down in the passenger seat. She grinned. “Hey cutie.” He smiled. “Hey to you too.”

 

As they drove to his place she asked “So how was work?” As she was applying lip gloss with her tiny mirror, the sun giving her just enough sunlight for her as it was setting.

 

He shrugged. “Tiring but I got off early.”she chuckled, smirking over. “Hopefully that won’t happen tonight.” He stopped at the red light and looked over at her. “Sorry to burst your bubble but I don’t do sex.” She raised an eyebrow. He shrugged, feeling nervous. Is she just going to laugh at him and say he’s crazy?

 

“I mean I don’t like sex.” “With girls?” “With anyone. It’s just not my thing and I’ve had a few bad experiences.” She looked away, looking thoughtful and he prepared for harsh words and the demand to take her home but she just smiled, looking coy. “Maybe we’ll have to change those experiences.” Charlie sighed. Maybe if he keeps telling her no any time she advances she’ll know he’s serious.

 

Once at his place he took the bag while she had the soda, walking inside together.

 

He opened the door to his place and she smiled, walking inside and lookingaround. “Wow, fancy.” Charlie smiled. “Thanks. You can place the soda on the counter here.” She moves easily, placing the soda on the counter.

 

He wondered when it would be a good time to give her the necklace he bought her as he ripped open the bags of pizza rolls. “Why don’t you go find a movie on Netflix while I get the snacks ready.” Nicole smiled as she took her shoes off, leaving her socks on as she walked to the living room, practically collapsing onto the couch, getting the remote for the TV and turning it on.

 

As he walked in with a small buffet of snacks and soda she smiled over, looking at home on his couch. “Ever seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s?” Charlie smiled over as he sat, placing the snacks on the coffee table. “Nope. Can’t say I have.” “Well you are now.” Charlie smiled as he took his shoes off. “Let’s just hope I don’t fall asleep during it.” “That’s what the caffeine is for.” She said as she grabbed a Dr. Pepper, choosing the movie and quickly snuggling next to him, shoulder to shoulder.

 

Charlie tensed at the intimate contact at first but found it likes it, he really enjoyed the small, intimate touches, the snuggling.

 

Half way through the movie she was practically in his lap, snuggled up like a cat, her long legs laying across his lap with her head on his shoulder, eating the small bowl of Swedish fish, his arm around her back, feeling content.

 

Once the movie was over she smiled as she looked at him, face impossibly close to his. “So what did you think?” He felt the urge to kiss her but kept himself in check. “It was good, made me want to go to Tiffany’s.” “I’m not opposed to that. But it is late.” “That it is.” Charlie finished with a yawn.

 

She chuckled. “Am I keeping you up old man?” Charlie chuckled. “No. Just a long week.” She saw the pool and grinned. “Let’s go relax, I see you have a pool.” Charlie nodded. “Sounds like a nice idea.”

 

She was quickly up and walking to the patio door, taking her shirt and shorts off, leaving her in her bra and thong. She gave him a coy look as he followed.He knew what she wanted and he had to remember to put his foot down, to stand his ground; it’s not his job to make everyone happy. He took off his own shirt and shorts, leaving him in his boxers.

 

He followed her into the water, leaning against the four foot wall. She swam up to him, snuggling in close, her one hand traced over the expanse of his abs.

 

He let her do that until her hand started going lower, trying to go inside his boxers. He grabbed her hand. “Above the waist, please.” “Com’on, it’s been such a nice night, why not give it a happy ending?” Charlie internally grimaced but kept his face passive, not wanting to ruin the fun. “I told you, I don’t do sex.” “Not even a little hand job?” “No. Not even that.” “Oh Com’on, you have to like sex at least a little, I mean have you seen yourself, it’s like your body was made for it.”

 

Charlie blushed from the compliment (he can only assume it was a compliment) and shrugged.“Sorry, I just never liked it.” Nicole looked like she was thinking. “Maybe you just never had the right partner.” She said as she went back to snuggling close to him, running her hands over his abs, making sure not to go lower and Charlie felt like he won but he didn’t like what went unsaid from her comment. Is she going to continue to pressure him? Eventually they both started nodding off, he nudged her. “Want to sleep here?” She nodded, looking exhausted. “Yeah, I don’t start work until 6 tonight anyway. What time is it now?” Charlie walked out of the pool and to his phone. “About 4:30 in the morning.” She nodded. Yawning as she walked out of the pool.

 

They both dried off, brushed their teeth and crawled into his bed. He held her close, kissing her shoulder. “I had a really good time with you.” She smiled. “Even if we didn’t get to have sex, I still had a lot of fun too. It was nice just snuggling.” “See? Not so bad.” She rolled her eyes with a smile.“No.” Within minutes they were both out.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning, this chapter contains rape and drug abuse

“So how’s things with you and Nicole?”  
Ben asked while eating a slice of apple. They were taking a break between switching sets. Charlie and Nicole have been an item for little over three months and Ben hasn’t seen him happier.

Charlie was taking a drink from his water bottle, swallowing it down before talking. “Good. Things are really good. I mean it started off a bit iffy but it’s really pretty good.” “Does she still pressure you for sex?” Ben said, raising an eyebrow. Charlie has vented to him several times on how often Nicole would pressure him into sex but she always let it go. Ben worried she could do something drastic to get what she wants, he never got a good feeling from her but he wasn’t going to ruin what happiness his friend has seemed to find.

“She does sometimes but not too often anymore but we’ve also been busy with work.” Ben nodded. “Good. You know I just worry.” Charlie smiled. “I know. How’s Shari?” “Good. She’s still doing photo shoots, even with her small pregnancy belly, doing covers for parenting and pregnancy magazines.” “Good for her, I know your modeling career can sink with something like this.” Ben nodded in agreement. Shari wasn’t too far along, only about three months pregnant but both were still insanely excited to be parents.

Once the set was together they went back into work for the rest of the day.

When Charlie was done it was nearly 10PM and he was exhausted. He collapsed onto his bed, ready to sleep when his phone rang out Kesha’s “don’t stop” Nicole’s ringtone.

He groaned as he fished it out of his jeans pocket, putting it on speaker. “Hey babe.” “Hey, mind if I stop over? It’s been a bad day and I really need to unwind.” Charlie sat up with a frown. “Everything Ok?” “Yeah, yeah, just a bad day.” She said a little too quickly. “Ok, my door is unlocked so just let yourself in.” “Great, thanks babe.” She hung up and Charlie sighed. Guess there’s no sleeping tonight.

He went to his kitchen and made a pot of coffee. By the time is was poured and putting creamer and sugar in his door opened and Nicole came walking into the kitchen, purse slung around her shoulder and her Work costume still on, shorty-shorts with six inch heels and a tight tank top with a push up bra.

She groaned as she sat at the island. “Oh my god, I was so close to walking out tonight.” Charlie poured a cup of coffee for her. “What happened?” She started taking her heels off as she talked, throwing them to the hardwood floor. “I worked a 15 hour shift, everything hurts, three of our girls called off, one quit so we were very short staffed and had several VIPs. I got so passed around I know what a joint feels like.” She started going through her purse. “I mean I made like a shit ton of money from this shift but that’s not the point.” Charlie sipped his coffee as she pulled out a bag of white powder and a small mirror. He raised an eyebrow. “Uh what’s that?” He asked, knowing exactly what it was.

She shrugged. “Just something to unwind.” “Isn’t it..ya know..illegal?” She smiled over at him, black hair flowing over her shoulder. “Oh, you’re so precious. Look, I don’t use it that often if that makes you feel better, just the really bad days.” Charlie still frowned, not liking the fact she was using something harder than weed.

“Well I made you some coffee. Thought we could watch a movie to chill.” She nodded as she set the mirror and razor up, pouring some of the white powder on it. “Sounds great babe.” She quickly made it into a thin line, Charlie watching as she snorted it all, nearly gasping when she was done. “Ahh Yeah. That hits the spot.” Charlie just watched with concern, wanting to help if she had a bad reaction to it.

Within moments she was grinning and hopping over to him, as energetic as a five year old on sugar, gripping his arms. “I know what we should do! We should go swimming! Ah I love it! I just love the feel of the water ya know?” Charlie nodded, going along with her, he smiled weakly. “Sure, let me get dressed-“ She was already nearly running out to his balcony, taking her clothes off, jumping into the six foot pool nude.

He sighed. This was going to be a long night. He followed her, taking his shirt off along with his jeans, stepping into the pool as she swam around before laying on her back, looking at the sky.

Charlie smiled toward her. “Doing ok?” “Yes, I’m so perfect. The water just feels so good! And seeing the stars! Oh my god, so good.” Charlie nodded as she turned over, quickly swimming to him, he caught her easily as she laughed, wrapping herself around him. “Oh baby I love you!” Charlie chuckled, going along with it. “I love you too.” She smiled, he noticed her eyes, the black pupil engulfing her eyes and a smile plastered on her face. She crashed her lips to his quickly, forcing her tongue into his mouth.

He yelled, trying to keep his balance, making sure they don’t go tumbling into the water. As she made out with him in the water her hand gripped his limp member, starting to stroke him rather roughly.

It was a sensation he was quite used to from his work, it got him hard more from habit and muscle memory, causing a small whimper to fall out of him. She smiled as pulled away. “I wonder what you’d feel like inside me. Right now I can feel so much more.” She started suckling his neck and he felt panic as he started to push her away.

“We can’t, you’re not yourself-“ she kissed him again, continuing to stroke him through his boxers. “Com’on Babe, I promise you’ll love it. I’m already wet.” She cackled our a laugh. “Get it? Cause I’m in a pool.” He still attempted to push her away but the drug seemed to give her a strength she doesn’t normally have and he didn’t want to risk hurting her. He knows if he accidentally broke her arm or wrist the story could get so twisted to make him look like an abuser.

She moved him enough to sit on the stairs to the pool. Once he was sitting on the steps, water around his ribs he attempted to stop her again as she started to roughly bring his boxers around his thighs. “Please, Nicole lets just go inside-“ “I don’t want to go inside.” She said as she started sucking roughly at his neck, making a bruise form. “I want you inside me yesterday.” She panted out, moving his protesting hands out of the way and impaling herself on him.

He gasped, trying to ignore everything, all the sensations going along his cock as she rode him, roughly, moaning and panting. He tried to keep himself from fully panicking but he felt his eyes well up with tears, his cock he could feel starting to flag from the stress he felt, her lips and teeth nearly biting into his neck as she rode him.

Oh god he’s going to have so many bruises to hide, he hide his face in her neck as the tears started and she came, feeling her tighten around him, crying out and holding onto him tightly.

Eventually she was limp against him, nearly asleep. He swallowed his tears and gently shook her. “Hey, how about we get some sleep?” She nodded sleepily on his shoulder. He helped her out of the pool, getting a towel for her as she seemed to just stare at the balcony flooring. He worried, putting his own anxiety of what exactly just happened to the back of his mind as he wrapped the towel around her. “Hey, you doing ok?”

“No…I think I’m coming down. It never last very long… oh god what am I doing?” She started to hyperventilate, looking around frantically as Charlie got her to walk into the house, towel wrapped over her shoulders. “You’re going to bed and you’re going to sleep.” She nodded, letting him lead.

He got her dressed in one of his large tee shirts and got her into bed, putting the covers over her.

She fell asleep quickly, leaving him alone with what just happened.

He went to the living room, finishing his now cold cup of coffee and feeling the words “violated” and “rape”go through his mind. His hands shook and his eyes welled up again with tears. He thought about calling Ben but he didn’t want to burden him more than he already did.

He was up the entire night, those words floating across his head and feeling her hands still on him.

He was still up when she woke around 5AM, groaning and walking into the kitchen like a zombie. He saw her as he was making more coffee for the both of them. He had to be at work in an hour, he’s glad she finally woke up. “Hey, how you feeling?”

She groaned as she sat at the island. “Like death. What the hell did I do last night?” “You mean you don’t remember?” Charlie asked, shock filling him. She shook her head. “It’s all blurs and…feelings? If that makes sense. Why? Did something happen?” She saw his neck, seeing the bruise and bite marks. “Oh my god did I bite you? Did I have a bad reaction?! Oh my god, I’m so sorry-“ “Whoa, calm down, you didn’t have a bad reaction.” “Then what the Hell happened to your neck?”

Charlie sighed. “It was you but you were just a little too excited in trying to give me a hicky.” “Oh..yeah I do get a little mouthy with sex…” her eyes got big as she grinned. “Oh my god we fucked. Fucking finally.” Charlie sighed, she was never going to understand what she did or why it crossed a line and he didn’t have the time or energy to explain it. “I have to go to work, are you going to be ok by yourself? Do you have a ride back home?” “I’ll be fine. I’ll probably be asleep all day anyway. Coke always gives me a major hangover the next day.” Charlie nodded. “Ok. Then I’m gonna get going, call if you need me.”

He had to take a few deep breaths before starting the car. Ben is going to be asking so many questions, he’s going to hate Nicole, he’s going to think he’s weak for not doing more to push her away.

It was hard to drive to the studio while keeping his anxiety attack at bay. When he got there he saw Bens car, inwardly cursing. He was hoping he could sneak in before him to the make up Department.

He got out, trying to act as normal as possible, hiding his shaking hands in his hoodie pockets but when Ben saw him, coming over with a coffee to greet him, Charlie broke, hyperventilating, nearly crying like a child.

Ben was immediately concerned, putting the coffee cup down. “Whoa, hey what’s going on? You ok-“ he stopped, seeing the bruising and bite marks on Charlie’s neck. “What the hell? Did you get attacked by a vampire?”

Charlie shook his head,taking a few deep breaths. “Nicole.” Ben nearly glared. “Did she hurt you?” Charlie shook his head. “No. Not intentionally. Please don’t be mad at her.” “I’ll decide that when you tell me the whole story. Let’s go sit down, I’ll get you a water.”

Ben guided Charlie to sit down in the one living area of the studio, Charlie taking deep, controlled breaths, almost calm by the time Ben came over with a bottle of water.

He handed it to him as he sat next to him. “What happened?” Charlie drank half the water bottle before talking. “Nicole called me last night, wanting to relax at my place. She had a bad day, 15 hour day, three call offs and one girl quit. She came over and started doing coke. She wasn’t herself but she wasn’t violent. She was like a five year old on a sugar high but she practically pounced one me, got me hard and I tried to push her away but I didn’t want to hurt her-“

“Whoa, Wait, are you saying she raped you?” Charlie flinched hearing the word. “Not exactly, I mean she got me hard-“ “that’s not the point. Sexual arousal can happen even if you don’t want it to in that situation. By all definitions, she raped you.” Charlie felt a lump from in his throat. “Well I didn’t want to hurt her if I pushed too much, she was high, she was really strong, I probably would have broken her wrist if I kept pushing her away. You know how that could get twisted around, they’d think I’m some abuser.”

Charlie said, voice thick. “She didn’t even remember it when she woke up. She was just tying to have fun, she didn’t mean to cause me harm.” Ben sighed, moving closer and wrapping his arms around Charlie.

“I don’t think she’s good for you. I think you should break things off but it’s also not my relationship.” “I know. I’m going to talk to her later, she’s getting over her hangover now at my place, I plan on talking to her about what she did.” “Good. Able to work today?” Charlie wiped his eyes, moving out of his friends grasp. “Yeah. I’m ok. Is make up in yet?” “Not for another hour.” Charlie sighed. “Then I’m taking a nap. I didn’t sleep all night.” Ben nodded. “Get some shut eye, I’ll wake you when we’re up.”

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

  
When Charlie got home around 7PM, he dreaded going inside but it had to be done. They needed to have a serious talk and he worried how she would react. Would she be like Jason and put him down and claim he couldn’t have been raped because he was a man and therefore always wants sex? Oh god he hoped not.

He got out of his car with shaking hands and walked inside his apartment complex. He hadn’t talked to her all day, not properly. Mostly just update texts on how their day is going.

As far as he knew she just had a lazy day in his bed, sleeping most of the time.

When he walked in he heard the TV, some sitcom and her laughing every so often. He walked further inside. “Hey babe.” She turned, seeing him over the couch. “Oh hey, how was Work?” He noticed as he sat next to her on the couch, she had some cereal earlier, the empty bowl on the coffee table. “Fine but we need to talk.” She nodded as she watched the TV. “Uh-huh.” “I’m serious.” He said a little more sternly. “I’m sure babe, go right ahead.” But she still wasn’t completely paying attention to him.

He stood, taking the remote and turning the TV off. She looked shocked and mildly glared at him. “What the hell is your problem?” “I want to talk about last night, do you have any idea what you did?” She shrugged. “I got high, we had sex, big deal.” “It is a big deal, you pretty much raped me.” She laughed as she stood. “Oh stop the sob story, raped? Seriously?”

“I kept trying to push you away.” “Well for me to have sex you must have gotten hard so explain that?” Charlie wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry or strangle her, maybe both. “That’s not the point. Being turned on can happen with forced sex, it’s how the body responds, I’ve told you a million times I don’t want to have sex, ever and you continue to pressure me, even force me into it.”

“Because I just do not believe that, like, Com’on, a guy in as good a shape as you doesn’t want sex? Like what the fuck is wrong with you?” Charlie closed his eyes tightly, feeling tears starting to well up. “Nothing is wrong with me, that’s a preference and I’d like you to respect that.” She rolled her eyes. “Look, if it makes things any better I don’t remember it. I was fucking high off my ass, that coke I got was pretty powerful. Had a nose bleed or two when I last woke up. So if I forced you into anything it was the drugs, I’m sorry, happy?” Charlie sighed. This was probably the best he was going to get from her. “Fine. I’m gonna go take a shower, when I’m done I can drive you home.” She nodded as she went back to turning the TV on, going back to watching the show.

While Charlie took his clothes off and stepped into the hot shower, he swallowed his tears down, Nicole’s words ringing through his head.   
He felt the familiar cloud of depression engulf him, threatening to consume him.

He finished quickly, wanting Nicole out of his place as fast as possible. He wanted to be alone. He got dressed and walked out to the living room. “Ok, I’m ready when you are.” She turned off the TV. “Alright, I’ll go get changed.”

It took fifteen minutes for her to get changed, apparently having to do her make up and hide the red and chapped skin of her nostrils. He wondered if she had a roommate or someone that disapproved of it at her place, why she was hiding it, she wasn’t the type to hide.

The car ride there was quiet, Nicole entertaining herself with her phone, scrolling through Facebook.

He parked in front of her apartment complex. “I’ll text you when I get back.” Nicole nodded, putting her phone away. “Ok baby.” She leaned in, kissing him. “And hey, it was just sex, it’s not like I tried to stab you.” Charlie rolled his eyes, feeling her words sting like acid. “Goodbye Nicole.” She sighed as she got out, feeling like she fucked up somewhere but couldn’t understand where or why.

Charlie drove home and hid in his bed.

Charlie had forgotten to set his work alarm and slept right through the morning, off and on. He’d wake up and realize he’s missing work but couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed. He just wanted to stay and do nothing, cry until he ran out of energy to do so.

He’s heard his phone go off but couldn’t bring himself to care. Nicole’s words weighing him down, making his chest feel like it caved in as the tears never seemed to stop.

He heard his door open and he got scared, getting the knife he keeps hidden under his mattress, having it ready. He nearly gasped when he saw Ben walk into his bedroom.

Ben frowned. “Charlie, are you ok? You never showed up, I called you like five times.” Charlie dropped the knife to his bedside desk, sucking in a breath, his anxiety coming back with Ben here, terrified of being judged. “I’m sorry, I just, I couldn’t. I couldn’t get out of bed.” Ben sat down on the mattress, realizing his friend is having a depressive episode. “Have you taken your medication?” Charlie shook his head. “Not yet. I took one yesterday so I haven’t missed a dose.” “Want me to get it now?” Charlie shrugged, sniffing. “If you want. I’m a few hours behind anyway.”

Ben got up, finding his anti-depressants easily and getting a pill out for him,getting a glass of water and coming back to the room. “Here. Production was stopped for today.” Charlie swallowed the pill and water down before looking at Ben. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stop production for you guys.” His eyes welled up. Ben sat next to him. “Hey, it’s ok. Porn can wait, you can’t. Your wellness is more important, want to get some air and see Shari? We can all go out to breakfast and have a movie marathon at my place.” Charlie nodded. “Ok. My therapist says I need to push myself into more positive activities more when I’m in this state anyway, well when I have The energy.” Ben smiled. “Then lets get ready and go.”

Charlie managed to get himself changed into proper clothing and put the door with Ben, resisting the urge to text Nicole, that wasn’t what he needed right now.

Ben spoke up as they came to a red light. “So how did the talk with Nicole go?” Charlie felt his eyes well up, thinking back to their..fight? Argument? “As awful as I thought it was going to go. She doesn’t understand what she did wrong.” Charlie wiped a few tears away. Ben sighed. “I don’t think she’s good for you. I think you should end things and find someone that actually deserves someone like you.” “Someone like me?” Charlie asked, rising an eyebrow, blue eyes watery and red. Ben smiled. “Yeah, someone who deserves to have someone as great as you. You’re too good for Nicole.” Charlie stayed silent the rest of the drive.

Inside the house Charlie felt isolated and he didn’t know why.

Well he did know but it was a stupid answer that still doesn’t answer his question. It was all his depressions doing, making him feel alone even when he isn’t, feeding him negativity and doubt.

Shari greeted him with a hug and smile. “Hey! I have the movies set up, just waiting for the popcorn.” “Sounds great.” Charlie and Ben followed her into the kitchen. Shari frowned as the microwave gave off its white noise with a few pops of popcorn scattered. “So what happened with Nicole?” Charlie shrugged, feeling hurt come back from thinking about what Nicole did. “She used me. Took advantage.”

Ben piped up. “She raped him.” Shari gasped and Charlie glared at Ben. “Ben.” Ben gave him a look. “It’s true wither or not you will admit it.” Shari came close to Charlie, concern filling her eyes. “Are you ok?”

Charlie sighed. “I’m fine. Seriously, you don’t have to treat me like glass. She had some coke and it made her as hyper as a five year old on a sugar high. She pounced one me while we were in the pool and got me hard and I told her no and I tried to push her away but I didn’t want to hurt her and she was very persistent. If I pushed her away too hard I could have seriously hurt her and I don’t want to be labeled some abuser.” Charlie’s eye filled with tears, he hated the situation but it’s past and all that’s left is to move on.

Shari frowned. “You do have a point. If you left a bruise on her or accidentally broke something on her, you’d be taken to jail so quickly without even hearing your story, or believing it.” Charlie wiped his eyes. “There. Can we move on now?” Shari sighed. “Yeah. Probably for the better but if you need to talk, you know Ben and I are here for you right?” Charlie nodded, giving her a small smile. “I know. Thank you.” 


	14. Chapter 14

 

Charlie was feeling significantly better as he, Ben and Shari ate dinner at Bens house when his phone started ringing, Kesha blaring out.

It was Nicole.

He got his phone out with a sigh, worried at what she has to say. “Hey.” He heard crying on the other line. “Baby I’m so sorry. You know I never meant to hurt you right?” Charlie raised an eyebrow, taking his phone and going outside as Shari and Ben looked worried.

“Yeah, of course. You ok?” “It’s just, I keep thinking about what you said. And what I said and you just looked so hurt, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Hey, calm down. I know you didn’t.” He did know that but it didn’t make it any better. He was planning on breaking up with her but right now was definitely not the right time.

Nicole was nearly sobbing on the line. “I did something really stupid.” “Hey, it’s over and past-“ “no, I mean now. I…I think I need a hospital.” Charlie tensed. “What did you do?” “I can’t stop the bleeding. I don’t want to die, I just wanted to punish myself.” Charlie cursed. “Alright, I’m on my way. Don’t do anything. Is your door open?” “I think so, I don’t lock it.” “Ok. Stay on the line, Ok? I want you to keep talking to me.”

He rushed inside, telling Ben and Shari what’s going on. “I have to go. Nicole is hurt, she might need a hospital.” Ben frowned. “Do you need help?” “I need to get to her place, fast.” Ben got up. “I’ll drive you.” “Thank you.” Shari frowned. “What did she do? Is she going to be ok?” Charlie frowned, anxiety making his hands shake. “I don’t know. I think she cut herself, she said she wanted to punish herself for what she did to me, she didn’t intend to kill herself.” Ben had his car keys in his hands as he kissed his wife. “I’ll keep you updated.” He said before he and Charlie rushed out the door.

Charlie kept her talking, tried to find out more about her self-inflected injuries but she wasn’t much help on that front, he wasn’t sure if it was from blood loss or her being out of her mind with guilt.

They got to her apartment complex and Charlie rushed inside, Ben following closely behind as he ran up the stairs and as she said, her door was unlocked.

He rushed inside, her place was fairly large and he had never set foot in there, he didn’t know where she could be. “Nicole!” He shouted as he hung up.   
“In here..” she called out, he followed her voice and then recoiled at the scent of blood.

He managed to follow it to the bedroom, charging inside, stopping at the sight. She was laying on her bed in the fetal position, a large tee shirt on with no underwear, holding her wrist and whimpering.

It looked like a horror show. Blood dropped from her wrist to the bed and floor. A small puddle forming below, her bedsheets stain in red. He approached her carefully. “Nicole, hey.” She cried, sucking in a breath, blood smeared on her arms and face. “Oh god…I don’t want to die..I’m sorry..I didn’t mean to cut that deep.” Charlie got next to her, gently stroking her hair. “I know. I know you didn’t.” He turned his head to Ben. “Call an ambulance.” Ben nodded, getting his cell and calling 911.

“Nicole, can I see your arm?” “You’re gonna hate me.” “I could never hate you, please show me your arm. I just want to help.” She let him move her arm. He nearly gasped seeing how cut up it was. There was two very deep cuts, probably the ones that are causing the dangerous issue but most were superficial flesh wounds. He nodded as he let her have her arm back, getting one of her pillows and taking the case off of it and pressing it firmly to the wounds.

She cried out in pain. Charlie soothed her, stroking her hair. “I know, I know it hurts but it has to be done.” She cried. “Charlie I’m so sorry. About everything. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you, I shouldn’t have pressured you. Your too good for me, you’re like an angel.” Charlie gave a smile. “Let’s not go that far. I just want you to be ok.”

It wasn’t long after that the EMTs arrived, properly helping her, eventually having to take her to the hospital. Charlie and Ben followed the ambulance to the hospital, being told they would have to wait while she was in surgery.

Charlie was pacing as Ben Updated Shari on the situation. Ben hung up, worrying about Charlie. “Hey, you doing ok?” Charlie shook his head, looking manic as he paced. “This is my fault. I was too hard on her.” Ben stood up, stopping him from pacing. “Hey, this is not your fault. You had no idea she would do something like this.”

“I know but she’s sensitive. I should have handled it better, I should have been more understanding-“ “understanding? Charlie, she was on cocaine. She took advantage and raped you. And she might be unstable but you didn’t know that then and this wasn’t your fault because you talked to her about what she did.” “She’s literally killing herself with guilt, what am I supposed to do with that? I was planning on breaking up with her but she’s too vulnerable now, I don’t want to be the cause of her death.”

“I know you don’t. All we can do is help her and get her to a psychiatrist so they can properly help her.” Charlie nodded, running his hands through his hair.

An hour later a nurse came into the waiting room. “Charlie?” Charlie and Ben stood up, going to the nurse. Charlie frowned. “Is she ok?” The nurse nodded. “She lost a lot of blood but nothing that couldn’t be replaced. She had nicked a tendon but luckily it wasn’t much damage other than the blood loss. She may need physical therapy but time will tell. The drugs are still working through her system, she probably won’t be awake for a few more hours. You’re welcome to wait in her room or we can contact you when she wakes up.” “No, I’ll stay here.” Ben frowned. “Are you sure? She may not wake up for a while.”

Charlie nodded. “I’m sure. I want her to know someone is there for her.” He turned to the nurse. “Can I see her room?” The nurse nodded. “Follow me.”

The nurse opened the door gently, letting Charlie and Ben inside. Charlie looked over her sleeping body. She had an IV of blood and another IV of clear liquid Charlie couldn’t name, a heart monitor on her finger, beeping with her steady heartbeat.

Charlie sat down as the nurse walked out of the room. He gently held her hand and Ben sighed. “You’re too good for her.” Charlie glared over, eyes watery. “Now is not the time. She hurt herself over what I said. She obviously needs help and I’m going to try to be that help.” Ben nodded. “I know. I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

After an hour of her still asleep Charlie saw Ben had nodded off on the small couch, the sun nearly set outside the window. “Hey Ben.” Ben groaned as he woke. “Yeah? She awake?” “No, not yet but if you want to go home you want, I’ll be alright to stay here.” Ben frowned. “You sure?” “Yeah. I’ll be alright. I’ll Call you with an update.” Ben nodded as he got up, patting Charlie on the shoulder. “Want me to bring you your meds Incase you’re here overnight?” “Probably a good idea. I’m sorry, I’m making you rush around like this.” Ben smiled. “It’s no problem. I’ll be back soon.”

When Ben left it was just Charlie and Nicole. He laid his head on her bed, falling asleep with her hand in his.

He woke up to crying, like they were trying to be quiet about it but whimpers escaped them. Charlie sat up, seeing Nicole crying as she lay in bed, bed itself angled her so she could sit up. Charlie frowned. “Hey, you’re ok.” Nicole sniffled. “I know. Just…fuck you’re still here.” Charlie frowned, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, still holding her hand. “Of course I am. I wasn’t going to leave you when you’re like this.” Nicole sucked in a shaking breath. “All I’ve done is treat you like trash. I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll be better.” Charlie smiled softly, taking her hand and kissing it. “And I’ll help you. Every step of the way.” 


	15. Chapter 15

  
Nicole was relaxed from the hospital but with a recommendation to see a therapist and a note for her work that she won’t be able to work for at least three months while her arm heals.

As he opened the car door for her he brought up his idea. “Since you live alone why don’t you stay at my place for a while?” Nicole looked at him, her arm wrapped up in heavy bandages. “Are you sure?” Charlie nodded. “Yeah. You’re gonna need some help for a while plus I don’t want you to be alone right now.” “Ok. Sounds good, I just need to go back to my place and pack up and I have to tell my boss I won’t be able to work for a while.” “I’m sure he’ll understand, you do have a doctors note.”

Most of the day was running around, getting her pain medication from the pharmacy, going to her place to pack up some belongings and to the club she worked at to hand in her doctors note. The boss wasn’t happy that he was down a girl for months but wished her a smooth recovery.

Charlie carried most of her bags, struggling to get the door open. Once inside she sat down on the couch in the living room. “I’m sorry about all this. Sometimes I can’t help it when I do things like this.” Charlie frowned. “Do you have any triggers? Have you been to a therapist?”

She shook her head. “No way. I don’t want anyone in my head like that. I don’t trust them.” “I can understand that but it’s still probably a good idea to see someone. Obviously you need someone.” “Why can’t it be you? You’re so sweet and understanding.” She frowned, dark eyes watery.

Charlie sat on the couch next to her. “I’m also not a qualified doctor. I might be someone to talk to but they’re trained to deal with heavier stuff than a normal person can deal with. Like they could give you medication if they Think it would help you. That’s what my doctor did for me.” “You go to a therapist?” “Yeah, ever since I was twenty. When I was twenty-four she prescribed me an anti-depressant. She diagnosed me with major depression and anxiety.”

“Are you Ok now?” “I am now but I still have bad days, I still have depressive episodes but I have some good friend that help me through it.”  
Nicole nodded as she moved closer, snuggling into his side, her head on his shoulder. “Can we just sleep?” Charlie smiled, bringing his arm around her. “Yeah. That sounds like a great idea.” “And can you hold me?” “Don’t even need to ask.”

He held her good hand as they went to his bed room. She found her pajamas out of one of her bags and dressed. He dressed in comfy clothes as well and helped her into bed. Once he made sure she was comfortable, he brought the blanket over them and wrapped her up in his arms. “Sleep well.” “I will now.”

Charlie didn’t sleep too well but he did lay there with her for an hour, just holding her and waiting until she had fallen asleep so he could move.

He got out without waking her up,   
He decided to do some cleaning and get some organization going. She had several bags, two were duffle bags and two others were just a back pack and a plastic bag with various belongings.

He found her toiletries and soaps and brought them to the bathroom, setting them up, making sure her feminine items like tampons were near the toilet.

Once they were put together he found her make up and got that set up in the bathroom as well although it was a lot harder to find space, she had a lot of the stuff, all different brands and types. He’s pretty sure she has five different foundations and 50 lipsticks.

He left the clothing to her, bringing the bags in the bedroom, leaning them against the wall when his stomach grumbled. They hadn’t eaten all day, it’s been a stressful and rushed 24 hours.

He decided to make pasta, easy to make since he’s not exactly a good cook and almost universally loved.

He was draining the pasta when Nicole walked into the kitchen, black hair up in a messy bun and sleep still in her eyes. She looked so different from who she was over 24 hours ago. She looked like a normal girl walking up from a nap and ready for dinner.

She had on a purple hoodie and spongbob pajama pants. She looked like she belonged in high school. “Hi.” She said quietly as she sat at the kitchen island. He smiled. “Hey. Sleep well?” “I think so. It’s been a while since I’ve slept like that.” “That’s good. Hungry? I made spaghetti.” “Starved. I don’t think I’ve eaten in a week.” Charlie frowned. “A week?” “Yeah. Just time and motivation and stuff. I don’t starve myself, I do eat just when I want to.”

Charlie didn’t want to argue with her that she probably has an eating disorder but was happy she was eating now and was finding out more about her. Apparently she likes to drown her noodles in sauce while he drowned his in oregano.

He had an idea before she brought the fork to her mouth. “Let’s go eat outside. The sun is nearly set.” She agreed and they took their bowls with them.

They sat on his balcony, Charlie sat, pajama pants rolled up so his feet could rest in the water and Nicole doing just the same. He isn’t sure why but she seems happier. She isn’t looking for her next fix here, her next escape. She’s just being.

Charlie swallowed a bite of food down. “So what was your life like? Before we met I mean.” She shrugged, spinning her pasta around before finally stabbing a noodle. “It was a life. Not great, not bad. My mom ran out a lot. She’d be gone for months, leaving me with Dad. He was a good dad but I never knew why my mom always kept leaving. I always thought that she would leave because of me but as I got older I knew the answer was more complicated and I still don’t understand. You?” She started at him as she took a bite, red sauce falling down her fork.

Charlie sighed. “Well I was a runaway. My parents were good people, still are. But I realized I started liking boys and when they asked me who I wanted to take to homecoming that year, I told them I wanted to take my best friend, Eric. They scoffed and kept saying it was a phase. We got into a fight and when I got sent to my room I started packing. I was terrified they were going to disown me to kick me out so I left.” Nicole frowned. “Are you bi?”

“Yeah. Well, it’s more I don’t care what gender you are, I don’t have a preference, just what kind of person you are.” Nicole smiled softly. “That is so deep man. Is that how you got into acting?” “Pretty much. I was homeless for a few years until a producer noticed me and offered me a job that I’ve had since.” Nicole nodded as she continued to eat.

Once they were both done Nicole leaned against Charlie’s shoulder as he put his arm around her. “You know, the world really isn’t so bad. At least from up here. You could make hell seem like a peaceful place.” Charlie chuckled. “Thank you I guess.” “You’re welcome. Thanks for taking me in. I needed this I think.” “Everyone needs a getaway now and then.”

 

 


End file.
